"I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass...."

8:40 pm
Home
"And kill the lights cause they're blinding me, I've been watching all the stars go by..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXlRyWYYswQ (live)
I feel queasy today. I did when I woke up and still do. I went to my grandparents for dinner yesterday but I do not think it was something I ate there. I am sure it is one of the bugs going around. I have not been sick but I have not ate enough to make it happen. I still went out today to do some reading, barely touching the piece of banana loaf I bought and the tea did nothing to alleviate my symptoms. Supper has consisted of a few strands of yellow beans, the crust of a breaded ham and cheese thing, and a few bites of a Mars bar washed down with some orange juice. I am not good at being sick, I assume I can do everything the same as before. Boy is this a mistake, though I was able to help a young woman setup her laptop today. My pounding head somehow found patience in her questions.
I have not listened to much by David Usher lately but the song above, Kill the Lights has been in my head today. Along with Human by The Killers below.
"Are we humans or are we dancers?........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOLJy5HoFDQ
This afternoon I finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. I think I liked it better than The Kite Runner, though both are good stories. I also they are important reads to help understand Afghanistan, especially here in Canada where more and more of our soldiers are coming home dead from there. Whether we know or do not know what our soldiers are fighting for, the people of Afghanistan have been fighting for their lives for too many years. The following passage is from the book.
"Seasons had come and gone; presidents in Kabul had been inaugurated and murdered; an empire had been defeated; old wars had ended and new ones had broken out. But Mariam had hardly noticed, hardly cared. She had passed these years in a distant corner of her mind. A dry, barren field, out beyond wish and lament, beyond dream and disillusionment. There, the future did not matter. And the past held only this wisdom: that love was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion. And whenever those twin poisonous flowers began to sprout in the parched land of that field, Mariam uprooted them. She uprooted them and ditched them before they took hold."
The following part of a poem written by Saib-e-Tabrizi in the 17th century was used in the book, the poem tries to capture Kabul's beauty.
"One could not count the moons that shimmer on her roofs, or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls."
"Wish I was back on the Bayou, rollin' with some Cajun Queen. Wishin' I where a fast freight train, just a chooglin' on down to New Orleans."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAVhKjsImeI
Born on the Bayou by Creedance Clearwater Revival (Live 1970 Royal Albert Hall)
The song above was used in the movie, Stop-Loss, which I watched Saturday night. It was an alright movie, raising the usual questions about the war in Iraq and who is supposed to fight it, if the soldiers have already done their job once. I wonder if the process of stop-loss has continued at the same rate or waned since the movie finished. Ryan Phillippe actually did a good job in the movie, I thought anyway. Information about the movie is below.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489281/
"The Bible's blind. The Torah's deaf. The Qu'ran is mute. If you burned them all together you’d get close to the truth, still they’re pouring over sand script under Ivy League moons, while shadows lengthen the sun....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaV-nGQ5yqw
Above is a very mature and good song written by Conor Oberst called Four Winds and recorded by his band Bright Eyes.
I was able to do some writing this afternoon, a little piece about the smallness of life. The title can easily deceive you into thinking it is something nice, it really is not.
A Strand of Hair on a White Sheet
Strong winter winds approach
New Year’s Day draws nearer
Ray asks “why’d you go away”
Resolutions are quietly made
Their hope vanishing silently
Each day is a wish granted
By some unknown custodian
The sweeper of every memory
Dutifully removing our history
Whether requested or required
Time like memory is only dust
Separating them cannot happen
Our future is children soldiers
Their little hands waving guns
Where milk bottles should be
Dirt and blood on their bodies
Where warm clothes should be
Their youth is sorrow absorbed
Colourful kites do not fly there
Rockets whistle like dog callers
Calm before chaos as always
Life after death for those lucky
Luck is a vaguely applied term
Breathe once and you are gone
What remains does not matter
A generation is a second passing
History’s own genocide killings
If there was a crowded afterlife
We would find a way to wreck it
Our hands are trained for greed
The first motion is to reach out
Not for love but material goods
An item we have been denied
Growing in size as we get older
Only learning the truth too late
Small things are what we desire
A strand of hair on a white sheet
The reminder someone else slept
Where we can longer fall asleep
Without being attacked by regret
A stream of light lacking clarity
Nothing to see but anything lost.
12/30/08
The Ray in the poem is LaMontagne and the song is A Falling Through, which is below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2T-CUPWsXg
Well it has been a long December, naturally, with or without the song. This will be my last blog entry of the year and I hope next year brings me more internal peace. I am not one to make resolutions and this will not change this year. Things come and things go, people come and people go. There is nothing poignant in that observation of mine, perhaps, there will be more poignancy next year. At the very least, there will be more music and more honest words torn out of my soul.
Best of luck.
john.
"All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u_kyd7NfTo
A Long December by Counting Crows (live 2008)

"And what is fallow now will come to deserve poetry's most lovely words......"

2:00 pm
Home
Life is an uncompleted list.
"Put it in your heart, where tomorrow shines, gold and silver shine....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xudx3_oK5Zg
Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.
Last night Amalea and I went to see Marley and Me. I enjoyed it, there were funny moments involving Marley, feel good moments involving the family and love for their dog. The acting was good and not over done by either Jennifer Aniston or Owen Wilson. (Not to spoil anything) There were a lot of tears at the end of the movie and they (along with the movie) almost made me cry but I survived. When it is all over Marley takes his place in dog movie heaven beside Old Yeller. Information about the movie, which became the highest grossing Christmas day opener of all-time is below.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0822832/
"Happiness, more or less, it's just a change in me, something in my liberty.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWLzMCcFcFg
Lucky Man by The Verve
I also did some Boxing Day shopping yesterday, getting mostly clothes. The sales were alright, I thinking Boxing Day is aimed more for females. I suppose if you were getting a big ticket item, there might of been some deals.
I got a couple of day late Christmas gifts from my sister, her husband and their kids. These are The Cellist of Sarajevo by Stephen Galloway and The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski. I now have a lot of books in need of reading and a couple I have wanted to read for some time.
"I'm so happy cause today I found my friends they're in my head, I'm so ugly but that's ok cause so are you, we've broke our mirrors, Sunday morning is everyday for all I care and I'm not scared, light my candles......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUUHNf0S5cA
Lithium by Nirvana
There is an acoustic cover of Lithium by Bruce Lash in Marley and Me, it is pretty good, the original is above.
The following passage is from A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.
"People, she believed now, shouldn't be allowed to have new children if they'd already given away all their love to their old ones. It wasn't fair."
I wrote the following earlier this afternoon.
Wounded
The year is nearing its calendar ending
A picture of holiday happiness absconds
Disappearing into the mist of winter rain
I am wounded from my own bony hands
The scars never hide their ugly presence
A permanent fixture on my gloomy face
Physical evidence of emotional damage
I am wounded from my own weak mind
The thoughts never hide their ugly ideas
A permanent resident in my packed head
Too many things left undone or unsaid
All their ringing sounds like church bells
The hour is midnight and quietness wins
A small victory over the sleeping habitants
My eyes are open and exploring memories
Women named after rare flowers or stars
Their beauty never leaves me uninspired
I write about them like it actually matters
Hearts are not changed by words from me
They only lead to more sorrow and sadness
Worse is the apathy of unwanted kindness
I need to delicately protect myself from life
The way its accordion time plays its music
I never know if there is more passed or left
Being wounded is not absolute like death
There could be another me who is healed
A man with more to give than is expected
The surprise of the new year about to begin
Appearances are not always what they seem
Though there is a lot to be read into them
My words fall carefully like rain on a Saturday
December is ending and vows are whispering
Their quietness fills my thoughts with hope
Like beautiful accordions, flowers and women.
12/27/08
Below are the 200 most played songs by me this year. Since I can't live in the past, I try to do it musically, so many of them are old favourites, there are a few newer songs and lots of Counting Crows. The #1 song just stuck in my head more than any song this year, the perfect combination of lyrics and melody.
I suppose over 3 hours spent writing this entry between doing a few other things is more than enough time.
jr.
Top 200 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. All The Trees Are Hers by Hawksley Workman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNo-REJ74mc
2. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYfnEYVpSe8
3. No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuZo7pLnL7c
4. When I Dream of Michelangelo by Counting Crows
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeQV0K9PaoA
5. Always by Neverending White Lights
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obIBXJ0_UkY
6. You Are My Face by Wilco
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j2k47bXrgs
7. The One I Love by David Gray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWNN7gXk1rc
8. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7xOhTOfOA8
9. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-qxfeuOgQk
10. Empty by Ray LaMontagne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIUSikXex5w
11. Wonderwall by Oasis
12. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder
13. Waiting by City and Colour
14. Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World
15. Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by Creedance Clearwater Revival
16. A Long December by Counting Crows
17. O Valencia by The Decemberists
18. Everything by Michael Buble
19. One by U2
20. Creep by Radiohead
21. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
22. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
23. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
24. When You Were Young by The Killers
25. Off He Goes by Pearl Jam
26. The Blues by Switchfoot
27. Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
28. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
29. The Hardest Part by Coldplay
30. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
31. Antichrist Television Blues by The Arcade Fire
32. Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
33. Blanket of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
34. Naked As We Came by Iron and Wine
35. Girl In The War by Josh Ritter
36. My List by The Killers
37. Invincible by Muse
38. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
39. Every Part of Me by Sam Roberts
40. Lemon Parade by Tonic
41. These Girls by Ryan Adams
42. Your Heart Is An Empty Room by Death Cab For Cutie
43. Accidental Babies by Damien Rice
44. Catapult (acoustic) by Counting Crows
45. Against The Wind by Bob Seger
46. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
47. Hard Candy by Counting Crows
48. Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids
49. Cowboys by Counting Crows
50. Society by Eddie Vedder
51. If You're Gonna Leave by Emerson Hart
52. A Time To Be So Small by Interpol
53. Tears and Rain by James Blunt
54. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
55. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
56. Sing by Travis
57. Kite by U2
58. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
59. Sky Blue Sky by Wilco
60. Have You Seen Me Lately? (acoustic) by Counting Crows
61. Impossible Germany by Wilco
62. Josephine by The Wallflowers
63. The Con by Tegan and Sara
64. La Cienega Just Smiled by Ryan Adams
65. Only The Lonely by Roy Orbison
66. Gold In Them Hills by Ron Sexsmith with Chris Martin
67. Bedshaped by Keane
68. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues by Jimmy Eat World
69. Falling Slowly by The Frames
70. Flyin' by Emerson Hart
71. Come Around by Counting Crows
72. The Weight by The Band
73. Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson
74. Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper
75. Some Surprise by The Cake Sale featuring Lisa Hannigan and Gary Lightbody
76. Miller's Angels by Counting Crows
77. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists
78. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
79. 1973 by James Blunt
80. You're Always Going Too Soon by Matthew Jay
81. Alright by Pilot Speed
82. The Bends by Radiohead
83. Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
84. Hello Sunshine by The Super Furry Animals
85. 1492 by Counting Crows
86. Rain King (acoustic) by Counting Crows
87. Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco
88. Invisible City by The Wallflowers
89. Telling Them by Starsailor
90. On Again, Off Again by Sean Lennon
91. Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
92. Arizona by Kings of Leon
93. Mind Games by John Lennon
94. Breakdown by Jack Johnson
95. NYC by Interpol
96. Love Hurts by Incubus
97. No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by The Guess Who
98. Someday You Will Be Loved by Death Cab For Cutie
99. Los Angeles by Counting Crows
100. Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie
101. Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
102. Hotel Roosevelt by Augustana
103. Whole Lot of Leaving by Bon Jovi
104. Trouble by Coldplay
105. Sleep Don't Weep by Damien Rice
106. Summer Skin by Death Cab For Cutie
107. Your Song by Elton John
108. An Angry Blade by Iron and Wine
109. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson
110. Watching The Wheels (acoustic) by John Lennon
111. Kathleen by Josh Ritter
112. The Grace by Neverending White Lights featuring Dallas Green
113. Barfly by Ray LaMontagne
114. Oh My Sweet Carolina by Ryan Adams with Emmy Lou Harris
115. Hard Road by Sam Roberts
116. The Thanks I Get by Wilco
117. Warning Sign by Coldplay
118. Snow Is Gone by Josh Ritter
119. Club Thing by Yoav
120. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
121. One Horse Town by The Thrills
122. I Taught Myself How To Grow Old by Ryan Adams
123. The Painter by Neil Young
124. Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd
125. Nuclear Daydream by Joseph Arthur
126. Sunday Morning Coming Down (live) by Johnny Cash
127. You're Beautiful (acoustic) by James Blunt
128. Anna Molly by Incubus
129. Hand Me Down World by The Guess Who
130. Oceanside by The Decemberists
131. Everytime by David Gray
132. Coconut Skins by Damien Rice
133. Daylight Fading by Counting Crows
134. Black Winged Bird by The Cake Sale featuring Nina Persson
135. Let It Be by The Beatles
136. Sundays by Counting Crows
137. Long Line of Pain by Amos Lee
138. Is There A Ghost? by Band of Horses
139. Michelle by The Beatles
140. Baby I Love Your Way by Bob Marley
141. Last To Die by Bruce Springsteen
142. Speed of Sound by Coldplay
143. St. Robinson In His Cadillac Dream (live) by Counting Crows
144. Elephant by Damien Rice
145. I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
146. Lying Eyes by The Eagles
147. 1 2 3 4 by Feist
148. Do You Remember? by Jack Johnson
149. Pull Me Through by Jim Cuddy
150. Come and Find Me by Josh Ritter
151. For Reasons Unknown by The Killers
152. New Shoes by Paolo Nutini
153. The Great Escape by Patrick Watson
154. Thank You by The Redwalls
155. Let It Ride by Ryan Adams
156. Mr. Golden Deal by Tonic
157. What Light by Wilco
158. Twist and Shout by The Beatles
159. Autumn by Paolo Nutini
160. Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles
161. Ashes of American Flags by Wilco
162. Elevator Love Letter by Stars
163. Bridge To Nowhere by Sam Roberts
164. When The Stars Go Blue by Ryan Adams
165. There, There by Radiohead
166. Man On The Moon by R.E.M.
167. Harvest Moon by Neil Young
168. Talk Shows On Mute by Incubus
169. Sons and Daughters by The Decemberists
170. The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
171. Mrs. Potter's Lullabye by Counting Crows
172. Save Your Scissors by City and Colour
173. Lodi by Creedance Clearwater Revival
174. Change by Blind Melon
175. Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Neil Young
176. She Don't Want Nobody Near by Counting Crows
177. Raining In Baltimore by Counting Crows
178. Skipping Stone by Amos Lee
179. Hey Jude by The Beatles
180. Time and Time Again by Counting Crows
181. Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab For Cutie
182. Tiny Dancer by Elton John
183. Better Man by James Morrison
184. The River by Live
185. City of Lakes by Matt Mays
186. Four Strong Winds by Neil Young
187. Around The Sun by R.E.M.
188. Level by The Raconteurs
189. Karma Police (acoustic) by Radiohead
190. Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams
191. Mary Jane's Last Dance by Tom Petty
192. Why Does It Always Rain On Me? by Travis
193. Round Here by Counting Crows
194. Amy Hit The Atmosphere by Counting Crows
195. High Life by Counting Crows
196. Sullivan Street (live) by Counting Crows
197. With or Without You by U2
198. Montebello Park by The Trews
199. You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty
200. Oh My God, Whatever, Etc. by Ryan Adams

"Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too, imagine all the people, living life in peace...."

10:40 am
At my bedroom desk
London, Ontario
Write what you must.
Last night I watched the movie version of my favourite book, Fugitive Pieces. The movie adapted by Jeremy Podeswa (The Five Senses) from the novel by Anne Michaels is beautiful but flawed. I think it is appalling to change the end of the story for the movie. Happy endings are for Hollywood blockbusters and leave your intelligence at the door movies. It is not for movies adapted from books full of beautiful poetry, heartbreaking loss and agonizing history. The fundamental point of the story is lost by changing the ending from sad to happy. There is no child, there is no happy family, there is another tragedy and a heartbreaking final scene for Ben to bear witness to. I can see why Podeswa would want to end the movie with hope but it isn't his choice, the story has already been written and it has its own ending. If you want a story with a happy ending, write it yourself. There is an article below about the changing of the ending. Other than the ending, the movie is actually very beautiful, well acted, poignant, slow moving but in perfect rhythm with what was written in the book.
http://www.cjnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=14599&Itemid=86
"So this is Christmas........"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8jw-ifqwkM
Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon
War will never be over. We do not want it to be. We have always liked killing each other. This is not going to change because of a song. Though in our dreams, everything could be different.
Christmas is about the kids, and until my sister's kids get here to open their presents, it won't feel like it.
We should never stop imagining though, what life would be like without all of its limitations.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7_6Vzj7Rng
jr.

"Silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, hear them ring, soon it will be Christmas day....."

What you do not know is reason enough to continue living.
"The city's a flood and our love turns to rust......"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDkBzkA9L4s
Where The Streets Have No Name by U2 (Live at Slane Castle)
The rain has stopped or so it seems. The last week we have had around 40 centimetres of snow, and this morning it started to rain. Mixing with the snow, the rain created small rivers in the streets. Needless to say, it didn't make for a good day getting around, as I am sure many people found out. They (the meteorologists) say (despite the rain) that this is going to be the first white Christmas coast to coast in Canada since 1971. White and brown slush crap are two different things to me. I think though overnight as the temperature goes below zero, this city will freeze and we will have an icy Christmas. Hopefully this is the case, I would like to take my niece skating at the park or the market. Though she will probably skate circles around me, as she plays hockey and I rarely skate. This doesn't make me less Canadian, I still love hockey, on some nights. The economics of baseball are making me love its salary cap more and more each day as the Yankees keep spending. It is not going to be a fun year for those of us who are Blue Jay fans.
I did venture out today to drop off my grandparent's card and gift. I had a lunch there of homemade cabbage and rice soup, with pumpkin pie for dessert. I so enjoy food and should weigh more than I do. After leaving my grandparents I stopped and had some tea, finally able to start reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. I was happy to finally find a copy in the used bookstore. Ever since reading The Kite Runner, I had been waiting for this book to appear in one of the used bookstores. Not only did it appear, but I got a nearly perfect hardcover copy for $12 or so. Though I am sure when I am finished reading it, it will not be in such good condition. I have a tendency to eat and drink over books, stuff them into bags and pockets, drop them and generally mark them as mine.
"Baby I have been here before, I know this room, I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you......"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dwwaS5B_vY
Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
A weird thing happened this week on the British music charts. The same song appeared in the charts at #1, #2, and #36, despite being a 25 year old song and never before in the top 40. The song is Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah, at #1 is a cover by Alexandra Burke (never heard it), at #2 in protest to Burke being #1 is Jeff Buckley's version (my second favourite) and at #36 is Cohen's original version. Needless to say this speaks volumes about the song and its impact on people's lives. I personally like Rufus Wainwright's version the best and don't particularly like the original. Though I think Cohen is a musical, poetic and lyrical genius, it just doesn't have the same effect on me as Wainwright's version. I think if Buckley hadn't killed himself, his version would not have the fanfare it does. An article about it from the BBC is below.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7794709.stm
"So much rejection in every connection I make"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GLixox-mOE
Catapult by Counting Crows (Tulsa 2007)
In life and in attraction (potential love) we have to take a chance. We have to walk out on that wire and been seen. Naturally we fall (not in love) but down, until we do fall (in love) and we are caught. Though we can still fall in love and not get caught. As we get older though and more bruised, the wire becomes our enemy and we are afraid to walk out onto it. I think I am at this point. I have taken enough chances and it is time someone else walked out on that wire. I am not absolutely happy being alone, but I am more happy than trying and failing. Is this giving up on potential love? Perhaps so. Will I grow old and cold? Perhaps so. I doubt it though, being cold is not in my nature. Being silent is, being aloof is, being selfishly protective of my feelings is (except here) and being frustratingly stubborn is. I just think you can only take so many chances until you are left with a negative feeling. It is human nature and it is complex to deal with, among so many others finding their postive feelings. Being miserable is not another part of my being but becoming extremely introverted is. Is this a good or bad thing? Perhaps so. Does it matter? Probably not. In the end I will probably be old and have lived a life. I will change or I will be changed, others will change or they will be changed. We will walk along the same streets but as different people, friends through strangers eyes. I will be a shadow in the shadows, unseen but there anyway. Maybe one day a light will burn out my eyes and I will finally know love.
I can't say I am a big fan of holiday songs. There just aren't that many good ones and you can only hear the same ones over and over for so long. I do like today's featured song Silver Bells and the version below is by John Denver.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djfgoGAEU4E
Enjoy your Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
john.

"How could this love, ever turning, never turn its eye on me, how could this love, ever changing, never change the way I feel......"

1:30 pm
My bed
London, Ontario
I like sharp pencils.
Snow is blowing out the window and this Sunday is a field of white. Christmas is around the corner and for all its faults, it still makes people smile. The reasons do not have be large, they can be as small as a smile itself. The result of a random act of kindness.
My weekends have become very boring but also very relaxing. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours drinking tea, reading and writing. Then I went and got my haircut, despite having to wait about an hour. I should have figured that it would busy on the last Saturday before Christmas. After hiding my head back under my toque, I went to the mall. I was able to get 3 more gift cards relatively painless and I am almost done my shopping now. I know it doesn't provide the personal touch but all I am giving this year are gift cards or money. It is easier for me and people can get what they want or need.
I got home shortly after 6 and ate some supper. After which I watched the Leafs spank the Penguins 7-2, going to bed right after the game. This couldn't have been much after 9:30 and I slept pretty good only waking up at 3 and 6, finally getting up at 8. I don't know if it is from working midnights or because I used to stay up late on weekends, going to bars or whatever. I am actually enjoying going to bed early and getting up early, no hangovers and no regrets.
This morning I finished watching Numb, the movie where the main character Matthew Perry suffers from depersonalization. The movie wasn't bad or great, it was watchable, the plot was flawed. Also I couldn't help thinking of Perry as Chandler from Friends like in all his movies, it is too hard to separate him from that role. The woman in the movie Lynn Collins was very cute as curly haired redheads can be. Information about the movie is below.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795439/
"Autumn leaves under frozen souls, hungry hands turning soft and old, my hero crying as we stood out their in the cold, like these autumn leaves I don't have nothing to hold........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB5xoDEOgec
With autumn's official passing this morning, the lyrics above are from Paolo Nutini's sad and poignant Autumn.
I wrote the following yesterday afternoon, a shorter piece than usual, but a piece of writing anyway. Inspired by Venus, a smiling woman and influenced by autumn's ending. Though with our weather, it has been winter for weeks now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SB5xoDEOgec
Autumn’s Last Morning
Reflected light causes Venus to glow brightly
I will be studying her on winter nights soon
A man devoid of beauty finding its presence
I woke late today on autumn’s last morning
A wan without a purpose looking for some
The semblance of a reason to strive higher
Angels are only created by our imaginations
Faces given feathers to fly across landscapes
Their passing is as blinding as sun on snow
We are never the same in our heart or mind
The world has changed for the better or worse
A song never heard before and forever sung
I do not sing but will always be listening
When carollers recite their holiday hymns
Words for the believers and even non-believers
Faith is loving without ever being shown love
I am a wanderer of sarcasm and information
Miscellaneous facts tied up in pieces of ribbon
The sky is too vast for them to be seen below
Absorbed into the atmosphere on the jet stream
She is a smile waiting to be really happy again
I could write about readiness and bad timing
A repeated record playing through scratches
The sound is piercing and nothing like music
There is no beauty left in my self impression
Venus stole what remained from me last night.
12/20/08
Today's featured lyrics are from another sad but good song, Beck's Lonesome Tears. It seems with every Beck album there is a song I take to, despite not being a big fan. The clip below is an acoustic version.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPlVqMFblFQ
I guess it will soon be nap time, 2 more nights of work until 12 nights off.
john.
"I got some things I can't tell anyone, I got some things I just can't say, they're the kinda things that no one knows about, just need somebody to talk to me, I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow, I'm thinking about being on my own, think I've been wasting my time....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-64LZidMb0
Staying with good and sad songs, above is Speedway by Counting Crows.

"And if you're trying to paint a picture, but you're not sure which colors belong, just paint what you see, don't let anyone say it's wrong........"

1:00 pm
Starbucks
Dundas and Richmond
London, Ontario
"Global poverty is a powder keg that could be ignited by our indifference." Bill Clinton.
I got home from my grandparents shortly after 7 last night, after a good meal of slow cooked pork chops done in a smoked hickory sauce, baked red potatoes with sour cream and an assortment of steamed vegetables. I had two complete plates and one slice of apple pie (or slightly more) for dessert (my contribution, bought of course). Very shortly after coming home I went to bed. I slept from around 8 until 9 this morning, I woke up once at close to 4 but didn't bother getting out of bed. I feel pretty rested today and plan on getting my haircut, and a couple more gift cards.
I have already visited the bookstore where I limited myself to one book and I am enjoying some tea right now. I might even do some writing.
I think we got between 10-15 centimetres of snow yesterday and it is definitely a winter wonderland out there. Apparently more snow is on the way Sunday.
I started watching a movie this morning where the main character suffers from depersonalization. I know I don't, but often feel less of a personal connection than I should. In reality, the older I get, the more people annoy and bother me. I think I understand better how trivial their problems are, but to them they are like mountains.
We inhale, we exhale and then life is over. What you do only matters to those living now and when all of them or you are gone, it will not matter. It is not pessimism, it is realism.
Today's featured lyrics are from Wilco's What Light. They got the great privilege of opening up for Neil Young during his recent tour, including back to back nights at New York's Madison Square Garden. A review of that show, particularly Neil's performance is below and a fleeting mention of Wilco being good but not inspiring. I would have gladly loved to go to any one of the shows on this tour.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/17/arts/music/17youn.html?ref=music
The afternoon's passing is like a blanket of snow reflecting off the snow.
john.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE-Bdekw26g (Live)
"I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow, casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood their counting crows........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jHZwcif5hk (Counting Crows, A Murder of One with Doris Day alternates, Live)

"Stay, stay and watch the coals, till they cease to glow like empty promises....."

1:40 pm
Starbucks
Dundas and Richmond
London, Ontario
I am ugliness, therefore I can see beauty.
It looks as if it is going to be a very white holidays after all. We are getting hit by a "nice" snowstorm and have been since around 6 this morning. Blizzard like conditions, snow in need of shovelling, even after it has been shovelled. People are walking snowmen or snowwomen, cars are like giant sleighs.
I am actually enjoying the weather, it is my weekend and I am in no hurry. I will be heading to my grandparents soon for another Friday night dinner.
I have 2 more nights of work until I am off into the new year and it can't come soon enough. Working midnights is killing me, and I am teaching myself to grow old doing it.
I have as many as 5 books on the go, and can't seem to make it through any of them. I hate the fact that I haven't seen a good movie, for too long.
Today's song is A Falling Through by Ray LaMontagne. I assume it is about some break up or another, the evolution of relationships and their passings. Life is but a breath. Remember. Forget. It is your choice. Though doing one is harder than the other, take your pick.
Possibilities are not endless, they are limited. A simple fact, unless you are an intellectually stupid dreamer.
The holidays (Christmas) is no more significant than the rest of the year. No matter what, some people will tell you.
There might be tangerine trees but I haven't seen any. I see fake metal coloured trees outside the window. Swirling snow, rushing people and insignificant hindsight.
Make a snow angel, because angels are only things we create.
jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2T-CUPWsXg

"The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and stars were the gifts you gave......"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iScH1XpjTA
First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Stereophonics
I absolutely love the Stereophonics cover above.
"Death is a mystery. And life is but a breath." From Daughter of the Killing Fields Asrei's Story by Theary C. Seng.
It has been raining much of the day today. With the temperatures rising throughout the night and into tomorrow, only traces of snow will remain. The temperature is supposed to go from a high of 9 on Monday to a high of -7 on Tuesday, no wonder so many people get sick.
Today was much the same for me, a search for some perspective in my solitary life. Pages of novels read, cups of tea drank, eyes of strangers observed and in some cases momentarily lost in. Also the piece of writing below.
"I want to live, I want to give
I've been a miner for a heart of gold
It's these expressions I never give
That keep me searchin' for a heart of gold
And I'm gettin' old......"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57lMuywZUJQ
Heart of Gold by Neil Young (December 1, 2008 Montreal)
Accidental Conversations
December rain is falling on this city
The old harmonica in Heart of Gold
Slices through mine like a cold knife
All the white snow is washing away
Christmas might be brown or green
Nothing of its potential to be beautiful
A woman in a knitted sweater thinking
Oblivious to her ability to inspire me
The few rambling words written here
Under lights framed by black plastic
A Sunday afternoon beginning quietly
With its usual assortment of accessories
Books, music and growing cold black tea
The contents of my heart are not empty
Surprisingly it is full of things to give
Love might not be one of them anymore
How can I know for sure without feeling
Kindness has never been enough thus far
Life is but a breath and it is quickly taken
Long after we have inhaled and exhaled
There will be a secret story to be written
My words fail me and they have failed her
What do I know about myself except nothing
Everything is not as it used to be or will be
The days wait for accidental conversations
Nothing has a real purpose for me anymore
These words continue and the woman is gone
Not even leaving behind a thread of herself
My sweater also knitted but not out of love
Wears its grey colour well like my own eyes
Winter comforts me because of its requirements
Hibernation, toques, scarves, mittens and coats
Things I can wear well unlike my usual loneliness
Eventually all metal rusts and music is muted
The length of the afternoon remains unlived
History can write it as beautiful or repulsive
Everything needs definition in our vain society
Until this afternoon receives its own description
It will be in transition like rain falling on snow
12/14/08
The last work week before holidays begins soon, I suppose I should try and sleep.
john.

"When it's grey in L.A. I sure like it that way....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hVqORXrWOw
Grey In L.A. by Loudon Wainwright III
I want to see but I don't want to be seen.
Last night I managed to stay awake until shortly after midnight. This is rare for a Friday night but I was up shortly after six. I once again realized there is not very much to do at that time of the morning. I get bored quickly at home and decided to go out, I had some breakfast and spent much of the morning reading while drinking my tea.
I finished Memories of John Lennon and The Secret River. The Lennon book was a very good read and much different compared to my usual serious novels. The short pieces written by those with some intimate knowledge of John was fascinating. I really found the piece written by Richie Yorke describing Lennon's trips to Canada interesting and in particular his nervousness about meeting Trudeau. It was conveyed by Yorke and echoed by Lennon a very important moment for the music legend. The fact that Lennon was nervous about meeting Trudeau was because he knew how important his support would be to his message of peace. Lennon was seen as a God but he would say he was only a man, but he was a man rarely intimidated, this nervousness was an example along with his feet kissing upon meeting Jerry Lee Lewis. In a perfect pairing of fate, the champion of the peace movement would return to Toronto from his Ottawa meeting on the same plane as Lester B. Pearson. The Canadian Prime Minister responsible for creating the modern concept of Peacekeeping, though peacekeeping is no longer possible, it is peacekeeping.
Speaking of keeping the peace, in doing so in Afghanistan, Canada lost another 3 soldiers today. The country is not getting any more stable and it seems like a waste of our young men and women. This is hard for me to admit, considering I feel there is a legitimate enemy there but perhaps one Canadians should not be fighting and being killed by.
There is a passage by Loudon Wainwright III about Lennon and included is the following piece about John's death.

Oh No, Not John
The limousine was waiting outside the studio
In stepped poor John Lennon and his wife Yoko
Oh no, not John

On up 44th Street, left at 8th Avenue
Up to the Dakota; a man waits there for you
Oh no, yes John

The man's name it is Chapman, come from Honolulu
He really loved your music, John, got a Japanese wife, too
Oh no, poor Sean

Five bullets in your body, that's what the experts say
They say you signed an autograph for him on that very day
Oh no, not John

There was a vigil at the Roosevelt, at the Dakota too
Silence in Central Park, they had a riot in Liverpool

Now Chapman's in the jailhouse - what's he doing there?
He went and he shot John Lennon. All you heroes best beware
Oh no, not John

The limousine was waiting outside the studio
In stepped poor John Lennon and his wife Yoko
Oh no, not John
Loudon Wainwright III

On a side note below is an article comparing their sons Rufus and Julian.
http://crawdaddy.wolfgangsvault.com/Article/Sons-of-Rock-Rufus-Wainwright-vs-Julian-Lennon.html
The rest of my day was spent doing some shopping until I couldn't stand the crowds and the inability of people to walk in any form of a straight line. Then I went to my grandparents for dinner, macaroni with cheese and tomatoes, along with fresh bread and banana cream pie for dessert.
Back to Loudon Wainwright, his song Grey In L.A. has been stuck in my head for the last couple of days. The link to the song is at the start of the entry.
"It seems like the daylight is coming, no one is watching but me, but I don't mind the dark discovering the day....." (Or the day discovering the dark)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yzw00CvYuDg
I guess sticking with the L.A. theme, above is Counting Crows Goodnight L.A., a very underrated song. The song is rarely played live, the version above is from 2003 @ the Pinkpop festival in Holland, it is followed seamlessly in the soft rain by A Long December.
Observations should be made without reservations.
jr.

"Woman I know you understand, the little child inside of the man, please remember my life is in your hands and woman hold me close to your heart....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3kPBIewPOk
Woman by John Lennon (Studio acoustic version)
I could write endlessly about John Lennon and not articulate anything previously unwritten, so I will not ramble. Well supposedly out shopping for the holidays on Thursday I came upon the book Memories of John Lennon very much marked down. I couldn't resist buying the book edited and introduced by Yoko Ono for $10. Since then I have had a hard time putting it down, the book is a collection of memories writtten by those who knew or where influenced by Lennon. The vast array of talent arranged alphabetically is impressive and I am about 3/4 through, the next entry is from Iggy Pop. The book also contains some very good pictures and not of the usual variety. For me a highlight thus far was Ronnie Hawkins writing about John and Yoko coming to Canada to stay with him before their famous meeting with Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. The longest and most candid thoughts are from Elliot Mintz, a media advisor and close intimitate friend of John and Yoko. Elliot was almost a daily part of their lives from the early 1970's until John's death in December of 1980. He remains close to Yoko Ono. Below are some of his words.
"John not only made music, he used the interview format to paint word pictures. He wrote books, created drawings, lithographs, assembled collages, marched in the street, took out full-page ads, rented billboards, spoke out publicly about everything, made movies, created bed-ins, contributed grenerously to causes he believed in, sometimes behaved outrageously, defied convention, added an essential link to the chain of musical expression, advanced the concept househusbandry, provoked dialog and debate, and commanded attention through revelation. It really didn't matter if you thought of him as saint or sinner, mediocre or brilliant, heroic or naive, a working-class hero or an isolated dreamer, everybody had an opinion. He touched you."
Below is a poem from his woman.
Season of Glass
Spring passes
and one remembers one's innocence
Summer passes
and one remembers one's exuberance
Autumn passes
and one remembers one's reverence
Winter passes
and one remembers one's perseverance.
There is the season that never passes,
And that is the season of glass.
Yoko Ono
Picking a favourite John Lennon song would be nearly impossible because like all good artists, they have different songs for different moods. My list would include the brilliant Imagine, the acoustic version of Watching The Wheels, the whistling honesty of Jealous Guy, the intelligence of Mind Games and the beauty of Woman.
Below is a poem I wrote tonight. A Friday night in December, the coldest thus far to accompany the brighest moon of the year. I took a solitary walk with no particular destination in mind as I often do and it influenced my writing. Being muted doesn't mean you have to be quiet.
john.
Muted
My life is the Weather Network on mute
A familiar lyric being sung in the silence
I will not love and it no longer matters
Friday night snow falls on Richmond Street
Dusting my footprints after their creation
The city feels calming and peaceful tonight
Victoria Park is illuminated by holiday lights
Light blue ones have always been my favourite
Strings of them join Norwegian maples together
Above the full moon is pale behind clouds
Come midnight it will be a cosmic flood lamp
I pull my scarf tighter against the cold wind
Warming skin easily scarred and weathered
There is a contentment to my thoughts lately
Piano played melodies without sorrow or pain
Only the honesty of introspection and acceptance
I will grow old like a gentleman with kindness
Not the bleeding type of my youth and fervour
A maturated fruit left hanging on the branch
Passed over one too many times to reach out
There is no hope left of being carried off happily
I must walk alone like usual and this is alright
All of life is famously a stage and this is my role
The final scenes might not be scripted thus far
Hopefully I get one last long walk in the snow
Reminiscent of those taken by Pierre Trudeau
Through the streets encompassing old Montreal
I blink as a single falling flake enters my eye
They are supposed to be each individually unique
Sort of human in this aspect of their existence
Even more fleeting than our own insignificance
Here and now only matter and nothing else does
The past is on the radio being sung by Lennon
We could have been so much better than this
Reality is what it is and will always be such
A human society can never find utopian peace
The flaws like those in my head are too many
Love is a woman who is waiting for another man
I can see this clearly despite the December snow
There is still beauty in the scene and it will last
After every sound is muted and every eye closed
History like the universe will begin again one day
For an instant purity can exist in its wonderment
Before like a snowflake or a footprint it is tainted.
12/12/08

"Tell me you never wanted more than this and I will stop talking now, one perfect partner, one eternal kiss......."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDGzB82bIZc
Take Back The City by Snow Patrol
I have been fighting a cold for almost two weeks now. I am fine at home, but once I go outside my nose starts running. Also working in an environment where I am exposed to different spice smells doesn't help either. I am hoping the up and down temperature changes expected this week doesn't make it worse.
After a weekend of more snow and cold, it is raining and above freezing today. The snow has been turned into slush and the rain is waiting to turn into ice. Though I don't think it is supposed to be below freezing until tomorrow, so it might not be so bad.
The Liberal Party of Canada looks like it is prepared to make Michael Ignatieff its new leader. The other major contender Bob Rae has given his support to Ignatieff and presenting an united party. This is an important move for the Liberal party and its battle against Stephen Harper. Ignatieff isn't as much in favour of the coalition with the NDP and the Bloc. He is taking a more wait and see approach when parliament resumes in late January.
I feel sorry for Stephane Dion. He is a highly intelligent man, a nice man and a man who cares about his country. He was troubled by his inability to speak normal English and plagued by embarrassing moments. Dion rose to the leadership of the Liberal party, when he should have remained in the background and would have been able to use his skills more appropriately. Also I think the Canadian media was more negative than necessary towards Dion. Everyone needs someone to pick on, and they were too much in the pocket of the Prime Minister to go after him.
It is not only time Canadians took back their cities but we need to take back our country. Hopefully 2009 is the end of the Conservative dictatorship and arrogance.
One of my favourite baseball players and one of the greatest pitches of all-time Greg Maddux retired from baseball yesterday. Maddux won 355 games, eighth on the all-time list and an amazing 18 gold gloves. His best season statistically was in 1995, when he was 19-2 with a microscopic ERA of 1.63. Below is an article about one of the most classy athletes of all-time.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=3755781
"Make a circle in the sand, make a halo with your hand, I'll make a place for you to land.........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLMLbzH2JAM
Above is a beautiful acoustic version of Miami by Counting Crows. If only it was as easy as making a place for someone to land. It is making a place for them once they land that is hard. Many of us are used to being alone and it is a way of life, and it gets harder to believe in anything else.
I guess I think I feel alright.
john.

"No one lives forever and the devil never sleeps alone....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvh4xitM2qI
The Devil Never Sleeps By Iron and Wine
Today I watched the movie Shake Hands With The Devil. The movie is about the genocide in Rwanda from 1993 to 1994, which killed 800,000 Rwandans, most of them Tutsi. The major focus of the movie is on the actions of Canadian General Romeo Dallaire and his inability to get the U.N. to support his recommendations to stop the genocide. Below is a link to information about the movie and an article about Dallaire which appeared last week on CNN.com.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472562/
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/11/13/sbm.dallaire.profile/index.html?iref=newssearch
From Dallaire's book Shake Hands With The Devil, which I should read soon.
"I know there is a God because in Rwanda I shook hands with the devil. I have seen him, I have smelled him and I have touched him. I know the devil exists, and therefore I know there is a God."
From the movie Shake Hands With The Devil, I am not sure if I wrote it down correctly but it is close.
"Loving a beautiful child is easy, it is loving a not so beautiful child that is hard."
Shake Hands With The Devil isn't as popular a movie as Hotel Rwanda was but it is an important film to watch, in particularly if you are Canadian. Also a heartbreaking book to read about the time period is A Sunday At The Pool in Kigali by Gil Courtemanche. The story like good fiction blurs reality and fiction, but the story is believable because much of it actually happened only the names and faces are different.
Well I guess my weekend is nearly over. Yesterday was my niece's third birthday party, she was very adorable and made everyone from four to those in their eighties smile. This is the beauty of a child on their day.
john.

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you couldn't show her..........."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxzK0lN7U6o
A Long December by Counting Crows (Acoustic 2003 S.F.)
So I wrote a blog entry on Thursday and when I went to publish it there was an error message. I thought nothing of it as it has happened before and the post still published. I guess this time, something was wrong and it didn't post. I can't find it anywhere, so I guess that collection of words is lost forever. I am sure it is no great loss though.
Winter is here in Canada and it always arrives prior to the calendar saying it is so and it often stays beyond spring. Though here in Southern Ontario we are prone to strange changes of weather, no matter the seasons, right now it looks and feels like winter. The time of the year, where we do talk a little lower about the things we could show her.
Canada is being pulled apart by our regional differences and an inability of anyone in government to work together. Each party is to blame but most of my blame is aimed at our arrogant and self indulged Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Who has with the support of the Governor General been able to suspend our democracy and our parliament until the end of January. Technically he should have put his economic update to a confidence vote and been defeated, thus losing the confidence of the house. Instead he delayed a vote and was able to prorogue parliament, despite a coalition of the opposition with an agreement in place to govern. Not giving the opposition, no matter what composition it takes, the chance to govern goes completely against the Canadian Constitution. Below is an educational article about the process, which is irrelevant now because Michelle Jean made a huge mistake siding with a sure to be defeated Prime Minister.
http://www.raisethehammer.org/blog.asp?id=1170
"I stand transfixed before this street light watching the snow fall on this cold December night.........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfpN3n8lR0
Hasn't Hit Me Yet by Blue Rodeo
Above is one of my favourite "winter" songs by the very good Canadian band Blue Rodeo. I wrote the following piece of writing earlier this morning.
Frowns and Scars
A gathering of blackbirds scatter
Through swirling and blowing snow
December tears slide down her face
Momentarily warming exposed skin
Before freezing like this year’s images
A collection of memories still forming
While the mercury falls in a thermometer
Nuclear winter taking her heart hostage
The price of its ransom is too high for me
I am always disappearing amid my thoughts
Reappearing with a different frame of mind
Optimistic yesterday and pessimistic today
Carrying poetry and romance for tomorrow
Realism hiding it in the days of next week
A few hours closer to needing a new calendar
Each new month symbolically photographed
The picture to greet us each day of its passing
I am usually captured wearing frowns and scars
Love like stars are sprinkled across this country
Women’s hearts belong to the west or east of me
Places called Kelowna, Jasper, Moncton and Halifax
Where summer memories have been made yearly
All I seem to do each year is get a little older
Living among mistakes never intended to repeat
How easily they are made again and usually worse
The soldiers coffins are lining up on the tarmac
Three more Canadian flags covering broken bodies
Bringing this war’s total to an even one hundred
An emblematic number representing the whole
Individuals should not be forgotten in a group
Their deaths on foreign soil is a confusing sacrifice
Are they really fighting for us or for someone else
Questions hang in the air like dust from a bomb
There is an enemy but are they really ours to kill
Answers come in many colours like rust on metal
There is a country but can it really be like ours
Fortune has given us peace among the violence
Does this mean we must be killed for having peace
A flock of monks chant prayers on a morning walk
I wonder what any God would think of this world
Surely they would not have created such disillusion
Only random explosions of gases and liquids could
Billions of years in the future life will finally implode
Hopefully its result will mirror very little of Earth
Such a reflection like this belongs in nightmares.
12/06/08
"You'll sit alone forever, if you wait for the right time....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsgtHf9Bewo
23 by Jimmy Eat World
I don't know if I can remember being 23, all the years seem the same now.
I finished reading Elle by Douglas Glover earlier this week and the following passage is from it.
"Founding a colony in the New World is like the act of love. You make camp in the heart of the other. Nothing is the way you expected it. You have to learn to talk another language. Translation fails. The languages get mixed up with each other. You're both disappointed. You ask yourself why you came there in the first place. You both feel invaded. You try harder and harder to make the other person do as you want, all the while feeling that this defeats the purpose. You would rather be alone. The thing you love seems altered, even dead. You are not the same as you were before you fell in love. When it's over, you leave part of yourself behind. If you survive, you are worse off than when you started."
In late October Counting Crows played 3 nights opening the Wellmont Theatre in New Jersey. Below are some very good clips from those nights.
"There's a girl on a car out in the parking lot......"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caRcWCTggTw&feature=related
Round Here
"Thought I might get a rocket ride when I was a child but it was a lie....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxQA8zQN7Uk&feature=related
All My Friends
"I dreamt I saw you walking up a hillside in the snow casting shadows on the winter sky as you stood there counting crows..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxQA8zQN7Uk&feature=related
A Murder Of One
"Wherever I have gone, the blues run the game...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyZMhyL6EaE
Blues Run The Game
"Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody, there's a dead man trying to get out......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOJn8dikgY
Perfect Blue Buildings
"Get away from me, get away from me, this isn't going to be easily but I don't need you, believe me......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BArBUziWs1I
Have You Seen Me Lately?
"So why'd you come home to this sleepless town......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gSGQDenA8Q
Recovering The Satellites
"I'm running but I take my time......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8sBEgQ6ycs
Friend of the Devil
"We are never quite as close as we are led to believe...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2YNBveCrLo
When I Dream of Michelangelo
"Suck my blood, break my nerve......"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZdFiA_RnTs
Angels of the Silences
"I got to rush away she said......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txcZN2IbHlA
Walkaways
A couple of the clips cut off before the end but everyone has to rush away. There is always somewhere else to be and someone else to be with, well for some of us anyway.
john.

"Wake me when it's spring time in heaven, when the tears are all white from my face...and I'm strong enough to walk in that place........"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mduT5PlLRgU
Blanket Of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
So as pleasurable as yesterday's weather was today's weather is turning as nasty as can be expected for late November in Canada. Right now there is a combination of freezing rain and snow assaulting my window. The wind picked up immensely from the time I stopped for tea and browsed through the downtown market. I love the uniqueness of the market compared with the typical environment of a regular grocery store. Or the sure abundance of a super store, you (or at least me) can get lost.
My laptop is back working today, I turned it on and the screen actually came on. Go figure, I was actually looking forward to shopping for a new one. Though now I hope I can get some more time out of this one. Must be frugal in these uncertain times.
So I spent the last half of the morning and the early afternoon reading Elle by Douglas Glover. Did I mention that I was up before the sun again this morning. My weekend sleeping has actually been normal, Friday in bed before 10 and up before 6, Saturday in bed shortly after 10 and up shortly after 6. I guess this is what happens when you avoid parties and bars on the weekend. It is actually nice and I could get used to it during the coming winter months.
The following passages are from Elle.
"I have made many mistakes. I blame printed books for this, a recent invention which has led us to solitary pleasures: reason, private opinions, moral relativism, Lutheranism and masturbation."
"I must truly be in the fabled Land of the Dead. I am certainly not anywhere I ever expected to be at this stage in life - in Canada, pregnant, lying on the ice next to a white bear inside whose body I have taken refuge, naked except for the blood, slime and offal coating my body and the oddly attractive scattering of feathers glued to my skin, with a large dead dog tonguing my face and a strange man wearing tennis racquets on his feet standing over me."
Well I guess it is nearly time for my Sunday nap before work. The featured song by Dustin Kensrue seems appropriate enough for a day like today. I wouldn't mind waking up in a place where it is spring time, I doubt it would be heaven though.
jr.

"But all the things I keep inside myself they vanish in the air, if you tell me that you'll wait for me, I'll say I won't be here....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWKlOOhG2sA
Daylight Fading by Counting Crows
The weather today was about as pleasurable as it gets here in late November. The sky was scattered with white clouds, not the usual depressing grey clouds associated with November's leaving, in between them a summer blueness and not the usual depressing blueness associated with December's arriving. The wind was still chilly, the air was still crisp and the ground still icy. Despite all of this, the sun made various appearances throughout the day, filtering its not so familiar way down upon a Saturday in late November. The temperature was even above freezing, a good day for tea and books.
I will never boast of much in this life but quietness quite possibly I could. I came across this poem written in 1925 by Jorge Luis Borges in the front of The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai, and I thought it was perfect for me.
Boast of Quietness
Writings of light assault the darkness, more prodigious then meteors.
The tall unknowable city takes over the countryside.
Sure of my life and death, I observe the ambitious and would like to understand them.
Their day is greedy as a lariat in the air.
Their night is a rest from the rage within steel, quick to attack.
They speak of humanity.
My humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty.
They speak of homeland.
My homeland in the rhythm of a guitar, a few portraits, an old sword, the willow grove's visible prayer as evening falls.
Time is living me.
More silent than my shadow, I pass through the loftily covetous multitude.
They are indispensable, singular, worthy of tomorrow.
My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn't expect to arrive.
Jorge Luis Borges (1925)
Today I realized a few things, a couple I will share below. Too many people don't respect your personal space out in public, they must naturally assume you want their presence close to you. How wrong they are.
Smoking is the most disgusting habit in the world, everything about it reeks of tastelessness. My father has smoked all my life and I am glad I didn't inherit this habit.
If I were an island, I would be an isolated one. No bigger than 36X36 with a leafy tree in the middle. The island would be perfectly angled for beautiful sunrises and sunsets, I would take pleasure in their colours, knowing there is no one who can spoil them.
I am a very indecisive person when it comes to certain and probably irrelevant things, but very decisive when it comes to more relevant things. It is not the big things in life I struggle with, it is the smaller things, the things I observe and wish I could capture more completely. Choosing books to read and deciding what to eat are given more thought than possible relationships, those I don't have to think about they are easily disregarded. There is no possibility, my mind is stubborn and the timing is never right. Will the timing ever be right, most likely not. Of course I am being a complete hypocrite, saying I am looking for love but knowing right now I could never return the love. I think I want a woman to admit that I am someone who could be loved and for now this would be enough. I am not serious enough or strong enough to follow through on really opening myself up. Here, it is easy, these are words like an almost infinite number of them out in the world. But what do they really mean, I suppose nothing if the writer of them gives them little merit.
Back to my indecisiveness regarding books. I finally finished Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, a strangely prosed book about a school of clones and their body part donations. The struggle for them knowing what they are and what their life is about. Raising questions about how the artificially created can contain the same internal doubts as those naturally conceived. The following is a passage from near the end of the book. "I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how I think it is with us."
The other books I am in the process of reading are The Secret River by Kate Grenville, Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky, Elle by Douglas Glover and The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. I am further into The Secret River but Elle is really good, I just bought it today and have enjoyed the first 50 pages. I liked the following passage from it. "I know that I shall die upon this alien shore, this coastline of mystery, this place called Canada. I don't want to die. I like fucking and food and reading books and arguing with my tutor and waking up with the sun pouring in the window in the morning." A small thing like fucking threatened by a bigger thing called love. A singular story about certain characters threatened by the largeness of death.
The following clips are from Counting Crows performance at Sound Stage in April of this year.
"I guess I bought a gun because it impresses all the little girls I see and then they all wanna sleep with me..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu7WMpQplkY
1492
"Boston gets cold this time of year, seems like each day leaves me numb, I gotta get out of here, go walking in the sun...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPliNBkzsS8
Los Angeles
"You can wash your face and hands in the stream of my anger, it's as bright as white paper and as dark as a girl....."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWEqunWtfyg
Insignificant
"She says she doesn't love me, like, like she's acting but it's as if she isn't talking cause Mr. Lincoln's head is bleeding on the front row while she's speaking..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vm8arqByspQ
Cowboys
"I loved like a fountain and it left me with nothing, just memories of walking through Washington Square..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea6mX7RL4HU
Washington Square
"Wash your eyes clear of anything, make them empty circles, dress yourself in black or gray...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPr2hhhQHQ8
On Almost Any Sunday Morning
"I see God upon the ceiling I see angels overhead and he seems so close as he reaches out his hand but we are never quite as close as we are led to understand...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lyw0ikr50RE
When I Dream Of Michelangelo
"I watched all of the same parades as they passed on the days that you wish you'd stayed.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZFPMKQBFhM
You Can't Count On Me
"We've wasted time running scared now autumn's fire is ashes on the breeze and it spins away like dust on pearls as winter comes to usher in the evening..." (How absolutely true)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBEUNayD-GU
Le Ballet D'Or
"A picture of Amsterdam, bare trees under glass framed in the grey and white afternoon light of a winter long past..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZ5WAyLhc5M
On A Tuesday In Amsterdam Long Ago
"If you wait for what's coming and you listen to her lies, then she'll say the things you need to hear and the only one who'll disappear is you..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3g5iuHFW7c
Come Around
The measure of any artist should be how passionate and emotional they are about their art. Adam Duritz's passion for his music is amazing, whether you are a fan or not and accompanied by his band they can tear you apart raw for the better of your soul. On A Tuesday In Amsterdam is proof enough.
I suppose I should ramble about other things. The terror attacks in India were dramatic and compelling news coverage. The world is not a safe place and on any given day, we could all be put in the wrong place at the wrong time, simply because of where we were born. The world though has always been this way, the English, the Spanish, the French and the Romans, haven't they all been killed because of where they came from, not to forget the Africans.
Here in Canada we have once again been thrown into political uncertainty because of Stephen Harper's arrogance and failure to admit there are economic problems in Canada. I hope the talks of the opposition parties forming a coalition to defeat the government and become the government turn into reality. Stephane Dion might become Prime Minister under this Liberal and NDP union but they need the support of the Bloc. I find this all very intriguing, with old cronies like Chretien and Broadbent brokering the deal. We don't need another election, because it costs too much and will produce much the same result as October's. What we need is a working government without Harper's King of the World mentality, he is but a man in a democracy. A democracy which could find itself flipped on its head with an unprecedented coalition government not directly elected by the people. Though anything but Conservative is fine by me. Of course Harper will cry foul and undemocratic, but it is within the rules of our democracy, as I hope the Governor General gets the chance to tell the people of Canada.
My laptop is not working, it is so annoying. I hate using this PC because it is slow and sucks. Everything here seems trivial and a waste of time. Okay, it isn't that slow, but it isn't my laptop. My personal go anywhere tool of communication with the world, what communication I chose to keep. Anyway, until it is fixed, writing is out of the question, this blog will be limited as it seems to be already and even email writing and answering are cumbersome at best. I am sure it is just another excuse to become introverted and introspective.
"And the truth of it is, I wonder am I beautiful enough for you to kiss me true.."
http://www.iheartmusic.net/mp3/HawksleyWorkman-SeptemberLily.mp3
September Lily by Hawksley Workman
It isn't September and I haven't seen a lily in a long time but September Lilly has been stuck in my head all afternoon. I listened to the brilliant song earlier in the day and it has lingered with me beyond the daylight and its fading. The disappearance after the appearance of the rarely seen brilliant colours of a November Canadian sunset. At least for me. Of course, the daylight has been fading with each passing day and we are left trying to recover our satellites. The thoughts which orbit us, inhibit us and define us, whether accurately or inaccurately, partially or completely, only when we are completed will our orbit be truly defined.
john.

"So now it's come to this, contrived but competent and your eyes see the clouds and you wonder, if you'll love again........"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRGuRQk1t7k
Lonely People by Hawksley Workman
Writing this blog during the week is becoming harder and harder. I am really struggling with being functional outside of my work hours. Working midnights is making me lazy and giving me excuses not to write. I don't know if I am really tired of if I am scared of being tired at work. So I think I over sleep to compensate for my fear of this. I should be able to sleep from 9am to 4pm and get up refreshed but I don't feel it. Realistically it is 7 hours of sleep like 11pm to 6am as a normally scheduled person might get but it feels different. I would like to think it is just a reflection of the depressing nature of November especially now that we are under blankets of snow. Though I do not really know, I think it might just be an excuse for me to hide from the world. I have been more social lately though on the weekends, perhaps too much. It seems like there has been something on the menu every weekend for the last month or two. The next two weekends I have nothing planned, and plan on relaxing in my solitary nature. Used bookstore browsing, people watching, tea drinking and poem writing. Not that events like yesterdays wedding of a friend aren't fun because they are. As more and more of them get married, it will be easier for me to indulge in my solitary aspirations.
"Love is a ghost train howling on the radio......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAW7rWjwwkg
Ghost Train by Counting Crows (Live Atlantic City, NJ September 2007)
I wrote the following this afternoon.
In The Honour Of Self
The snow has begun to accumulate
November shovels towards December
Winter and its hibernation are upon us
Days devoid of sunlight and its nutrients
We attend parties drowning in alcohol
Some of us know what we are celebrating
While the rest of us are just passing time
Until we can find someone to sleep beside
The person who is more than an excuse
When we are asked about them by friends
A mistake easily admitted after waking up
With our sex limp and greedily satisfied
Though we are quickly erect under covers
Slipping between consequences and actions
Satisfaction trumped by our relentless boredom
Again and again we take what is before us
In the honour of self there is only disgrace
Morals are abandoned in favour of more sin
Pleasure comes in small gushes and screams
Followed by a cold November basement silence
Foreign house sounds join a pounding headache
The band playing nothing sweet or full of love
All the noise is regret’s secret weapon against us
We know things are wrong and sex solves nothing
As Kathleen sings prior to Mr. Ritter’s folk medley
I listen to the music on another Sunday afternoon
When there should be more for me than this room
Not my ugliness transformed hideously by new shame
No wonder love does not reside in my mirror reflection
There is only a weathered face and its disappointments
A mind full of possibilities but a history full of mistakes
Those of youth are easily reconciled but repeated ones
They squeak like an out of tune violin in a grungy bar
Where we take our impression of beauty and break it
Piece by piece until there is no woman who can save us
Without being disgusted by our previous engagements
A filth unable to be wiped clean by our better intentions
Relentless boredom is life’s most dangerous state of mind
We are left slipping between covers without knowing why.
11/23/08
"Closed eyes, closed heart, now baby that ain't much of a start, some other time, some other place and maybe with a prettier face......."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LuICnFr-gs
Prettier Face by Hawksley Workman
Last week I finished reading The Inheritance Of Loss and now have moved onto The Secret River by Kate Grenville. The following is from it, a contrast to the poem above.
"The night became the best part of every day. Now they had a bed to themselves, she loved to curl around him, a candle guttering on the stool. Her breasts lolled out in a way that shocked and aroused him. She would peel a tangerine and feed him the segments slippery from her own warm mouth, and when they had done all the things with tangerines and mouths that could be done, and the candle had snuffed itself out in a pool of tallow, they lay together and told each other stories."
Lonely People and Prettier Face are from Hawksley Workman's new album Los Manlicious, which contains 13 songs but only 9 of them are new songs. Prettier Face, The City Is A Drag, Oh You Delicate Heart and Piano Blink are also on this year's earlier release Between The Beautifuls. This brings down Los Manlicious because as fans we already have these songs on a collection, so it is a little disappointing. Also the songs other than When You Gonna Flower and Lonely People aren't on the same level as the songs on Between The Beautifuls. Perhaps Hawksley was going after a different and edgier sound, to me it is not as appealing as the lush melodies of Between The Beautifuls.
Ghost Train can be found on Counting Crows debut album August and Everything After, a very good collection of songs. Each of which I have heard in many forms over the years, thus is the evolution of a live band.
Also the music of Kathleen Edwards was playing during my writing this afternoon, thus the mention of her in the poem and following that was a song from Josh Ritter. From time to time I like to include what I am listening to into what I am writing. Subconciously there has to be some influence.
Well I suppose I should ramble on as it has become Sunday night. Yes, all I want to do is sleep through the darkness and back into the light.
jr.

"On certain Sundays in November when the weather bothers me I empty drawers of other summer's......"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBMfrWlpbsM
Hard Candy by Counting Crows (Live on Good Morning America 2008)
I suppose when Adam Duritz wrote Hard Candy, the certain Sunday in November could have been a day like today. A day where the weather is overcast, the wind is cool, the sky is grey or black and the sun is a memory. A memory of summer unfolded by postcards, pictures and letters.
I tried to watch Bon Cop, Bad Cop last night but only made it through half an hour before my eyes got the better of me. I was up before six am this morning and there is very little to do this early on a Sunday. I tried to go back to sleep but it didn't work, so I spent much of the morning reading and sipping tea at one of the many Starbucks here. I actually wrote something, which will be below later. It is nothing great or significant, it felt weird writing and I think the result is rusty. I spent some of the afternoon shopping for something to wear for an upcoming wedding and my afternoon nap was semi successful. Because the work week begins shortly, got to love working midnights.
Just Another
Her skin smelled like cinnamon
The Sunday snow swirled outside
Her mouth tasted like tangerines
The November rain ceased yesterday
Autumn has finally become too cold
Winter is now among us like strangers
I need to start rearranging my heart
Making way for someone to occupy it
They have to be here and not a memory
Remembering is a way of losing again
I am done being haunted by women
Who would never have dreamt of me
Just another man looking for beauty
Without being able to offer it himself
The Sunday snow suddenly halts outside
Allowing the rare November sun to shine
Another face has caught my attention
I could never get behind her framed eyes
Just another world unable to be explored
The planets of women are plentiful on Earth
Billions of satellites orbiting their surfaces
Each individually locked like a treasure box
Once opened it might be empty of gems
Or it could be full of life’s most rare gift
A person to spend every variety of day with
No matter the weather unfolding outside
Our thoughts would be commingled inside
A world completely ours with its secrets
The things no one else would ever know
Every love is unique and not imagined
Unreciprocated it is only a lacking fantasy
A thing not worth remembering too much
The person might be special but so are you.
11/16/08
"Take a message to your head, just stay beside her in the bed, you were so stupid to believe in things you couldn't see...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZByH7y5FxGE
On Almost Any Sunday Morning by Counting Crows (Live Paris 2008)
The following is another passage from The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai. "After the initial excitement was over, it often became obvious that the love was gone; for affection was only a habit after all, and people, they forgot, or they became accustomed to its absence." Love is only a habit, and once the habit is broken, the love is gone. This is absolutely true. Of course, the habit could return.
"I don't believe in Sundays and I don't believe in anything at all...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFm4juaVswQ
Sundays by Counting Crows (Live Iowa 2008)
It is a sad state when we don't believe in anything, especially the ability of anyone loving us.
john.
"I want to touch you for my self-respect..."

"This is Detroit, see the skyline, a commotion on the assembly line, raise a glass to the Ambassador as she's moving you to the dance floor.........."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfBk7URJAIA
Detroit '67 (Live) by Sam Roberts
I guess I have not wrote an entry in over a week. This is what happens when you do more living and less blogging. So I also guess this is a good thing.
Last Thursday was Brian's mother's funeral, Friday's I have dinner at my grandparents, Saturday we went to Caesar's Windsor Casino during the day, across the border into Detroit for the Red Wings game and back to Windsor for the bars. It was a long and fun day, but very tiring being up nearly 24 hours. Sunday night to Friday morning I worked, enough said there. I slept or tried to sleep longer this past week, November has this affect on me or perhaps it was Saturday. It took until Thursday before I felt like I could survive on less than 6 hours of sleep. Last night after dinner with my grandparents we played some poker and headed out to Thorny Devil, it was a fun night. The majority of my friend's like me have names which begin with the letter J and last night I had conversations with a girl named Jennifer, one named Jenn, another named Jenna, along with old friend named Jen. It is like we all congregate together in our own J world. I was very tired today and slept off my hangover. Outside the rain which was a constant for almost 24 hours straight has turned to snow and it looks like November in Southern Ontario often does. A blanket of snow covering a fading canvas of coloured leaves.
Now I am listening to Keane, having given up on the Leafs tonight, down 4-0. Though I think I will pick up the energy a little by switching over to some We Are Scientists. I don't feel like writing anything beyond this, I suppose I should but having not written anything creative in a while it is easier not to write. Maybe after this I can find a movie on demand to watch.
"The comet is coming between me and the girl who could make it all clean, out there in the shadow of a modern machine walks St. Robinson in his Cadillac dream..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5lYjaJD2c8
St. Robinson In His Cadillac Dream (Live July 2008) by Counting Crows
I do not know if it is a comet but something has always come between me and the girl who could make everything right. It is most likely me, a fear of rejection, a fear of failure, a fear of no longer needing to look and a fear of happiness. Can you be afraid of happiness? I suppose you could be or more importantly I could be. Though I am generally content these days and will never be one of those overly happy people. Smiling and laughing are becoming more common and I guess that is a good starting point. I am also stubborn and until I feel my life is worth sharing, it won't be. I guess this also makes me selfish. I think I will stop digging now and uncovering the things I know about myself.
"So over the hills he'd climb, just to see her there in time, just to watch the sun shine through her dress, the sweet soldier's daughter..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLi5EIiU3hY
Soldier's Daughter (Live) by Tonic
Tonic was such a good band, at least Emerson's has continued with some great solo material.
I am still reading The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai, I am about half way through, the story set party in India is good so far. I did though Friday pick up The Secret River by Kate Grenville, a story set in Australia, which I am looking forward to reading.
The following passage is from The Inheritance of Loss. "But so fluid a thing was love. It wasn't firm, he was learning, it wasn't a scripture; it was a wobbliness that lent itself to betrayal, taking the mold of whatever he poured into it. And in fact, it was difficult to keep from pouring it into numerous vessels. It could be used for all kinds of purposes...He wished it were a constraint. It was truly beginning to frighten him."
Wobbliness, enough said.
jr.

"Tell me I got here at the right time, if I did it's probably the first time....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzf8QcZLXh4
Here At The Right Time by Josh Ritter
The cafeteria at work where I spend around an hour a night has music playing and it plays pretty good stuff. The other night I heard Trouble by Ray LaMontagne, Round Here by Counting Crows and the song above by Josh Ritter. His music has really grown on me over the past year.
Americans have elected Barack Obama as their first black President. The bigger significance of this is that they have elected a leader, someone who can work to bring together what is still a very divided country. A country with a lot of problems and a country that will need everyone as part of the solution. A historic President for historical times.
The division of America is still very evident by looking at the electoral map. Obama won mostly northern and coastal states both on the Atlantic and Pacific, McCain won Heartland and southern states. Obama won the biggest states New York and California. McCain won Wyoming 2-1, close to what Obama won New York by. I have a feeling race is still a major factor through the middle of America and it will take some serious work to bring everyone together. The voter turnout was close to 64%, the highest since 1908. Congratulations to all Americans who made their choice, this time you have made the right choice at the right time.
It has been a hectic start to the week but I did finish reading The Gathering by Anne Enright and it is a very good book. There is a comment in the book about how people don't change but are simple revealed to us through time. This might be absolutely true but change is possible, whether it is just another part of ourselves being revealed not only to others but to ourselves. Now it is onto the next book, The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai.
Below are a couple of live Counting Crows clips complete with audience singing from last week's concerts in New Jersey.
All My Friends
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxQA8zQN7Uk
Blues Run The Game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyZMhyL6EaE
So begins another night.
john.

"Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uKPFBr_Nqc
Cry by James Blunt
Death does not care about the children.
It enters their lives and takes away someone they love but they don't really understand it. At least, until they are older and the loss has faded but not the sense of it.
Yesterday my sister's husband's mother died at 60. She had cancer which triggered a massive heart attack. I couldn't imagine losing my own mother at any age, it will be beyond hard. The sadest part of it all is the effect it will have on my sister's 3 children, 9, 4 and 3. The 9 year old will understand but to what completeness, I wonder. As for the other 2, they will vaguely know there is something different. I still have 3 of my 4 grandparents, both parents and feel blessed, especially as I get older. They can have a huge influence on your life, and are appreciated more as you get older, to lose any of them, when you are still young is to lose more than you realize.
I wrote the following yesterday, before hearing the news.
Our Destination Of Observation
The early afternoon air is crisp
Typical of a Sunday in November
London feels hushed like a baby
Its residents still trying to sleep
Looking to taking advantage of time
The extra hour given back from spring
I am not among these dreaming people
My body does not follow a normal pattern
You could easily conclude it is appropriate
Being peculiar does not worry me anymore
I am trying to embrace its positive qualities
Knowing escaping it is never going to happen
There is a loneliness to being a human being
Most friends and lovers disappear eventually
Leaving us alone in a field of fading colours
Autumn’s residue becoming winter’s heart
Unproductive and unwilling to reproduce
The emotions necessary for maintaining love
A long hibernation made worse by its coldness
Where blackbirds sing but are rarely spotted
Their songs carry for miles over frozen lands
Following the lonely wanderers like myself
Until we reach our destination of observation
A corner coffee shop or a basement tavern
Places where we can hide among people
Needing to be seen but wanting invisibility
The familiarity of a warm or cold beverage
All of our memories being swallowed with them
Only to be regurgitated with our next breath
There is no absconding certain cycles of life
We are forced to be an accomplice to their crime
Guilt will bury us in the end and it will carry us
Should there be another life beyond this one
An answer to all the emptiness and loneliness
The beauty of a woman appreciated too late
Long after her eyes have departed your reflection
A face you are tired of looking at for thirty years.
11/02/08
"angels fall like rain......and love is all of heaven away......."
The clip below is a rare live performance of the Ghost In You by Counting Crows with Adam and David in full pre-Halloween costume.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhMQQzUSp00
The children will be loved.
"and love will not fade away....."
john.