Last night Jeff and I went to Masonville mall for coffee, tea, conversation and people watching. This is an once a week or more occurrence and quickly passes the early evening hours. Our conversations vary but inevitable they become about women, life and its passing. I guess being single males at 30 brings with it its share of questions. Jeff is a big believer in fate and I am a big believer in randomness. I think fate can only be applied to anything in hindsight and everything that led to it was random. Jeff believes that you meet someone and it is meant to be. I believe that you meet someone just because and it could just as easily been someone else. Though I do believe every person comes into your life for a reason and when they are gone there is a reason for that. I can't call something fate when it seems like randomness to me. I suppose if I met someone and it worked out, I might change my tune. Though it makes for good discussions and debates between two old friends. While we were sitting there a girl sat down across from us. I thought she was attractive enough with a nice smile. I am sure I looked over a few times and was my usual curious self. I like to store images, expressions and observations about women should I need them to write about sometime. Anyway 2 guys came and sat down at her table and I was trying to figure out which one was the boyfriend. The longer they sat there I started thinking that maybe the 2 guys were a couple. Then the girl and one of the guys got up and left but the other guy was just standing there. So I assumed she was leaving with her boyfriend but the guy that was left came over to me and told me she wanted me to have her number. So with all that talk about women, life and fate there was a girl named Peggy's number on a Taco Villa napkin for me to contemplate calling. Of course I believe that I could have been any other random guy sitting there and observing her and the same thing could have happened. I am at a point in my life right now where I will not get involved with a woman because there are other things I need to fix first. Being mentally well and happy is the first, I am getting there. I need to be able to live everyday and not just some days. So as nice as it would be to pursue a relationship with someone who I am interested in and is interested in me, it isn't happening any time soon. It was a little bizarre though given our conversation and the always lingering notion that I shouldn't be alone. Though I honestly believe for right now it is best for me and my health. I am too stubborn to let someone accept my flaws before I have corrected the one's I know I can. I have accept the things that I can't change but those that can be changed need to be changed before I will let myself not be alone.
"I walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown, and still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rIUSikXex5w
I wrote this piece based on the experience above.
Your Number
We were discussing life and fate
On a chilly but sunny late April day
Observing mall shoppers and browsers
Until our coffee and tea was finished
When your friend gave me your number
As you disappeared up the stairs
If I believed in fate or myself
I might call you and ask why
You felt the need to connect with me
Attractiveness and intrigue do not follow me
Ordinariness and uncertainty do follow me
They are my protective and restrictive shadows
I am slowly starting to feel better in my skin
Accepting its flaws and my mind’s mysteries
Maybe there is a healthy aura surrounding me
A certain welcoming presence previously hidden
I could ask you many questions but will not
This mind of mine has its long term plan
Baby steps to recovering my healthiness
Learning to smile like happiness is real
Instead of faking it and lying about it
My stubbornness might leave me lonely
I am not looking for perfection or more
All I need to be is a better version of me
Before I can contemplate a relationship
So thank you for your number
Being observed is nice for once
The spring will bring you what you need
I believe in randomness more than fate
My apologies for not being a risk taker
Perhaps it is easy for you to gamble on you
My confidence has been down for too long
I need more days of real smiles and laughs
They are coming along more frequently
Though their potential disappearance scares me
A song heard once but never heard again
Its melody lives in my mind but no where else
Kind of like my heart but time is on my side
Until death comes and fate lives
Where there was once the hope of love.
04/29/08
"Ask her why she cries so loud, she will not say a word, eyes like ice and hands that shake, she takes what she deserves to celebrate her emptiness in a cold and lonely room.........."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KMaWkAmhp3Q
From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
"On the floor, the girl was still. Ugwu pulled his trousers down, surprised at the swiftness of his erection. She was dry and tense when he entered her. He did not look at her face, or at the man pinning her down, or at anything at all as he moved quickly and felt his own climax, the rush of fluids to the tips of himself: a self-loathing release. He zipped up his trousers while some soldiers clapped. Finally he looked at the girl. She stared back at him with a calm hate."
The atrocities of war shouldn't be constrasted with beautiful music but life goes on during war and after war.
"Can you see the working classes trudging through their days, time goes slowly when you're only waiting till the sun turns black.............."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RLFdA2IiBr0
Below is an article outlining the lack of an energy policy in the United States today. It seems to me the cost of oil wouldn't be a problem today if alternative sources were encouraged instead of discouraged. The United States isn't alone in a lack of an energy policy but they are the most important player in the future of energy. What they decide and encourage affects the entire world but by remaining dependent on oil they are limiting the positive environment movements of other countries.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/30/opinion/30friedman.html?em&ex=1209700800&en=5e50edff9f212b25&ei=5087%0A
Well it is 8, overcast and I am ready for some nicer May weather. April has shown us signs of spring but we want the real thing, flowers and sun, love and happiness. Be here now is not something I ask of someone but hopefully someone will be somewhere when I am ready.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vl3V0dTRDvI
John.
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