I used to write 4 or 5 poems a week and had been doing so for nearly 10 years. I decided last week that my heart wasn't in it and stopped. I never saved those that I wrote from age 20-26 but those that I wrote from 26-29 are saved on my old computer. So there is nearly 4 years of words, I wouldn't call it poetry but it is a collection of words. The problem now is that I told my sister she could have the computer and now need to save them. I thought about deleting them all but couldn't. Being lost and being erased are two completely different things. Being lost means you might be found and being erased means you will not be. I suppose I could have just saved them to a disk but I know the disk would just end up in a box or in a closet. So I have decided to print them all out and edit them all at some point. It will give me something creative to do and let me write a little. Recycling garbage more like it but I might find a pearl among the dust. So much for worrying about the environment as I know it is a waste of paper but it is the only way I can edit. My pencil can not write on my laptop monitor, well actually it can but it isn't recommended. I figure at 5 poems a week for 4 years, I am looking at over 1000 pieces of writing and some of them are 2 or 3 pages long. When I first started printing them off, I would read them but now I just print. The reading left me confused and a little frightened to think what was on the page had come from some place inside me or inside my imagination. The quality varied from absolute crap to sort of crappy, but we are harshest critics. I think it might take me a lifetime to edit all of these, which I don't like to because I have been taken out of the moment. Still I do it because I think it will be better but in reality it might be worse. Perhaps only pearls should be dusted and polished.
"I've been in my mind, it's such a fine line that keeps me searching for a heart of gold and I'm getting old...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=M_4v_TGoIfI
The good thing about my writing is that I date everything and it is like a mini-journal of sorts. The first and completely random piece that I tried to edit this morning is called Elsewhere. It is what happens when we are somewhere but really want to be somewhere else, we are unable to give our full attention to the present. A perfect example would be trying to have a conversation with somebody and knowing they aren't listening.
Elsewhere
There is nothing left to give
Morning light dives through blinds
Ice glistens on glass windows
Beyond it a new day arrives
Leaving a permanent goodbye
The shadow on the heart is gone
Its departure beating an absolute truth
Beauty is only part of the equation
It will never make the girl whole
There has to be other pieces to add
We all get distracted by others
Even in the company of a friend
Who tries too hard to understand you
When all you want to know is elsewhere
It is what you do and who you are
You are never only in one place
There is a constant distraction of something better
Perhaps this is what we are all looking for
The trees are barren with limbs like bony fingers
They point to the sky and beyond
Everyone is always looking up and beyond
For a bright star or a white angel
The soul that they lost or think they did
In the memories of their disappearing youth
While they ignore what is at their feet
The person who could potentially change them
Isn’t this what we all want or need
To be changed for the better by somebody
But we are always looking elsewhere
It drives us crazy and to distraction
Eliminating our potential and attraction
Should somebody be ready to love us
It is often too late when we realize this
The morning light has completely disappeared
Yesterday is permanently departed
All that is left are mistakes and shadows
The heart has moved on elsewhere.
01/28/07
Edited
04/23/08
"I keep my friends eternally, we leave our tracks in the sound, some of them are with me now, some of them can't be found......."
http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/neilyoung/videos/video/7587099/the_painter
The following passages are from Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. "Is love this misguided need to have you beside me most of the time? Is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness?"
"Clay pots fired in zeal, they will cool our feet as we climb."
The book is about the Biafra's struggle for an independent republic in southeastern Nigeria during the late 1960's. The succession established this republic for a few years and its creation was proceeded and followed by massacres. The eventual failure to sustain an independent republic resulted in the deaths of thousands at the hands of Nigerian army. Nigeria blocked as much food and supplies it could from reaching the Igbo people of Biafra and was successful killing many more this way. A number often cited is around a million. One of the characters in the book is writing a book about Igbo-Ukwa art and in particular discoveries made at the town of Igbo-Ukwu. The art is fascinating and below is a short article about the town. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Igbo_Ukwu
I like books that weave its fictional characters throughout the history of a period. I find it much more rewarding than picking up a history book and trying to learn about certain aspects of this world that way. Half Of A Yellow Sun is like this as was a book I read earlier this year called Breath, Eyes, Memory by Edwidge Danticat. This book was mostly set between Haiti and New York and its story was defined by the differences between the two cultures. Other books I have read like this are Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels, the story of a boy pulled from the rubble of the Holocaust and him trying to find comfort in Canada. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini follows characters from Afghanistan to America and is poignant in its handling of human relationships and forgiveness. A Sunday By The Pool In Kigali by Gil Courtemanche is set among what was the genocide in Rwanda and its characters are defined by it while the world watched mostly silently. There are countless books like this and these are only a few examples. History is not only dates, facts and numbers. History is people and their stories. You can read a history book and learn that millions were killed in a genocide but until you read an account of one of those deaths, you have learned nothing. Even if the account is fictional, a good writer will use factual elements to convey what is a nearly accurate portrait of their lives and deaths.
"But only love can break your heart, try to be sure right from the start, yes only love can break your heart, what if your world should fall apart?....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8j_O0e20kfA
The first round of the NHL playoffs is over now and I think many fans in 8 cities would disagree with Mr. Young's assertion above, that only love can break your heart. Sports often breaks our hearts but it usually doesn't last as long as love's breakage. I am sure there are fans in Washington and Calgary today who are feeling like their world has fallen apart. Losing a game 7 is never fun, it means you were good but just not good enough, that is harder than just not being good. Trust me, I played competitive baseball for many years and it is easier to lose on a team that you know is bad than it is to lose on a team that you think is good. When you think you are on a team that is supposed to win and you don't it is beyond disappointing. Washington should have won and Calgary was winning, both those teams were good enough to win and expected to win. Boston who also lost a game 7, wasn't supposed to win and got blown out in game 7, anyone fans of Boston who honestly expected their team to win were dreaming. Any athlete who plays at a competitive level should be playing to win and should expect to win but there are times that you know, you and your team aren't good enough. It doesn't mean that you don't play hard and you don't play all out but you keep your expectations in check. When it was my time to pitch, I always took the same attitude to the mound each time out and that was to win. Whatever it took, hitting a batter to send a message, offering encouragement to a teammate who made an error, telling the umpire off, telling the parents of the other team off, throwing the ball into the outfield when the coach came out to pull me, getting into arguments with teammates because they weren't giving the same effort and simply showing up. I know I was too competitive which is why I can't play in fun leagues because I expect high quality play from myself and therefore from others. In the end it is only a game but to some of us, it is a reflection of us as a person. I finished the first round of the playoffs with a 7-1 record, and the only series I got wrong was Washington and Philadelphia. Philadelphia won on the power play in the overtime but although it was a penalty against Washington, it was a penalty that is usually only called in the first or second periods, not in overtime of a game 7. Such are the rules though.
Time for my second round predictions.
Colorado versus Detroit
I like Detroit much better without Hasek in net but I believe Theodore is playing too good to give the edge to Osgood who takes over for Hasek. Both teams are talented up front but I believe Colorado is deeper. On defence Detroit has Lidstrom which immediately gives them the edge but Colorado has Foote and some good puck movers. There is a history of hate between these teams and this should be an intense series. I think Colorado is tougher having survived Minnesota's big bodies and will wear out Detroit in a long series. I like the Avalanche to take this series. 4-2.
Dallas versus San Jose
Both these teams proved something to their critics by winning their first round series. It was important for Dallas's Marty Turco and San Jose's Joe Thornton in particular. Both teams have strong rejuvenated veterans in particular Mike Modano and Jeremy Roenick who are playing like it is the early 1990's and when they were playing in Minnesota and Chicago. I think San Jose is too strong on defense and too deep at forward and will role four strong lines until Dallas is worn out.
San Jose 4-1.
Philadelphia versus Montreal
In game 7 against Boston Carey Price proved he was the real deal, in case you doubted it but Marty Biron proved clutch with his performance in game 7 against Washington, stopping 39 of 41 shots. Philadelphia is a very resilent team and Montreal is a Cinderella team of sorts. This should be a very interesting series. It could come down to who is better Daniel Briere or Alex Kovalev, Biron or Price. Both cities are tough to play in for visiting teams. I think Montreal will be quicker out of the gate but it will be a long series. I have to go with my heart and the Canadian team.
Montreal 4-3.
New York versus Pittsburgh
Legends are made in New York and by beating New York, this is what Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are trying to do. For them to be successful they will have to beat two living legends Jaromir Jagr and Brendan Shanahan who have a combined 1296 goals and 3037 regular season points in their careers along with 130 goals and 292 playoff points. Crosby and Malkin will have to be better than them. Hossa and Pittsburgh's extras will have to be better than Gomez, Drury and New York's extras. The difference makers in the series could be Sean Avery and Gary Roberts, if Roberts is healthy he is as pesky and clutch as Avery is proving this playoff. Both are as tough as nails. These two teams have young defenses, Pittsburgh's is anchored by Gonchar and New York's is by Rozsival. Both have young studs like Marc Staal for New York and Ryan Whitney for Pittsburgh. New York's Lundqvist is a stronger goalie than Fleury for Pittsburgh. This should be a fun series to watch, I hope they play it wide open but it does favour the younger Penguins if they can score on their chances. I still like the Rangers.
4-2.
"We've been through some things together with trunks of memories still to come, we found things to do in stormy weather, long may you run..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lk_M5kg7dGo
Long may we run should be the Democratic party's new slogan because with Hillary Clinton's 10% victory last night in the Pennsylvania primary they will be running longer than Obama would have wanted. Had Clinton lost last night, it would almost have certainly been followed by her exit from the race. This win and by 10% has given her a new sense of momentum and shows once again how divided the Democratic party is. The delegate count according to CNN still favours Obama 1719 to 1586 but he has been unable to win the big states raising questions about being electable in a general election. I really don't know how the Democrats are going to get out of this without dividing their own party and deeply dividing it. I am starting to favour McCain anyway, though my Canadian opinion is based on different factors than Americans who will pick their next President. Both Clinton and Obama have come out against NAFTA which is very good for Canada and because of our energy very good for Americans, though they can't see it. Like Harper said yesterday, Americans who want to reopen and negotiate a new NAFTA will be negotiating with a Canada that is in a stronger position than the United States. They need what we have more than we need what they have, even though 85% of our trade is with them, Americans wish they had our natural resources and energy sources.
"There were children crying and colors flying, all around the chosen ones. All in a dream, all in a dream, the loading had begun. They were flying Mother Nature's silver seed to a new home in the sun..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mdvic9cRsFM
Today's word is ebullient; overflowing with fervor, enthusiasm, or excitement; high-spirited: The award winner was in an ebullient mood at the dinner in her honor.
I am sunburned, sandal blistered and it isn't even May. Today is the first day in a week where I feel cold and it is still 22 out but there is a very strong northern wind. 19 and sunny tomorrow, if only spring could remain all year, I would be a faithful lover.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PPtHGAFXBws
John.
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