"It's only time, it will go by, don't look for love in faces, places, It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness......"

Last night Jeff and I went to Masonville mall for coffee, tea, conversation and people watching. This is an once a week or more occurrence and quickly passes the early evening hours. Our conversations vary but inevitable they become about women, life and its passing. I guess being single males at 30 brings with it its share of questions. Jeff is a big believer in fate and I am a big believer in randomness. I think fate can only be applied to anything in hindsight and everything that led to it was random. Jeff believes that you meet someone and it is meant to be. I believe that you meet someone just because and it could just as easily been someone else. Though I do believe every person comes into your life for a reason and when they are gone there is a reason for that. I can't call something fate when it seems like randomness to me. I suppose if I met someone and it worked out, I might change my tune. Though it makes for good discussions and debates between two old friends. While we were sitting there a girl sat down across from us. I thought she was attractive enough with a nice smile. I am sure I looked over a few times and was my usual curious self. I like to store images, expressions and observations about women should I need them to write about sometime. Anyway 2 guys came and sat down at her table and I was trying to figure out which one was the boyfriend. The longer they sat there I started thinking that maybe the 2 guys were a couple. Then the girl and one of the guys got up and left but the other guy was just standing there. So I assumed she was leaving with her boyfriend but the guy that was left came over to me and told me she wanted me to have her number. So with all that talk about women, life and fate there was a girl named Peggy's number on a Taco Villa napkin for me to contemplate calling. Of course I believe that I could have been any other random guy sitting there and observing her and the same thing could have happened. I am at a point in my life right now where I will not get involved with a woman because there are other things I need to fix first. Being mentally well and happy is the first, I am getting there. I need to be able to live everyday and not just some days. So as nice as it would be to pursue a relationship with someone who I am interested in and is interested in me, it isn't happening any time soon. It was a little bizarre though given our conversation and the always lingering notion that I shouldn't be alone. Though I honestly believe for right now it is best for me and my health. I am too stubborn to let someone accept my flaws before I have corrected the one's I know I can. I have accept the things that I can't change but those that can be changed need to be changed before I will let myself not be alone.
"I walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown, and still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rIUSikXex5w
I wrote this piece based on the experience above.
Your Number
We were discussing life and fate
On a chilly but sunny late April day
Observing mall shoppers and browsers
Until our coffee and tea was finished
When your friend gave me your number
As you disappeared up the stairs
If I believed in fate or myself
I might call you and ask why
You felt the need to connect with me
Attractiveness and intrigue do not follow me
Ordinariness and uncertainty do follow me
They are my protective and restrictive shadows
I am slowly starting to feel better in my skin
Accepting its flaws and my mind’s mysteries
Maybe there is a healthy aura surrounding me
A certain welcoming presence previously hidden
I could ask you many questions but will not
This mind of mine has its long term plan
Baby steps to recovering my healthiness
Learning to smile like happiness is real
Instead of faking it and lying about it
My stubbornness might leave me lonely
I am not looking for perfection or more
All I need to be is a better version of me
Before I can contemplate a relationship
So thank you for your number
Being observed is nice for once
The spring will bring you what you need
I believe in randomness more than fate
My apologies for not being a risk taker
Perhaps it is easy for you to gamble on you
My confidence has been down for too long
I need more days of real smiles and laughs
They are coming along more frequently
Though their potential disappearance scares me
A song heard once but never heard again
Its melody lives in my mind but no where else
Kind of like my heart but time is on my side
Until death comes and fate lives
Where there was once the hope of love.
04/29/08
"Ask her why she cries so loud, she will not say a word, eyes like ice and hands that shake, she takes what she deserves to celebrate her emptiness in a cold and lonely room.........."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KMaWkAmhp3Q
From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
"On the floor, the girl was still. Ugwu pulled his trousers down, surprised at the swiftness of his erection. She was dry and tense when he entered her. He did not look at her face, or at the man pinning her down, or at anything at all as he moved quickly and felt his own climax, the rush of fluids to the tips of himself: a self-loathing release. He zipped up his trousers while some soldiers clapped. Finally he looked at the girl. She stared back at him with a calm hate."
The atrocities of war shouldn't be constrasted with beautiful music but life goes on during war and after war.
"Can you see the working classes trudging through their days, time goes slowly when you're only waiting till the sun turns black.............."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RLFdA2IiBr0
Below is an article outlining the lack of an energy policy in the United States today. It seems to me the cost of oil wouldn't be a problem today if alternative sources were encouraged instead of discouraged. The United States isn't alone in a lack of an energy policy but they are the most important player in the future of energy. What they decide and encourage affects the entire world but by remaining dependent on oil they are limiting the positive environment movements of other countries.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/30/opinion/30friedman.html?em&ex=1209700800&en=5e50edff9f212b25&ei=5087%0A
Well it is 8, overcast and I am ready for some nicer May weather. April has shown us signs of spring but we want the real thing, flowers and sun, love and happiness. Be here now is not something I ask of someone but hopefully someone will be somewhere when I am ready.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vl3V0dTRDvI
John.

"Sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all, just stand still while we fall......"

Since it is Tuesday, it is countdown day. I have decided to leave it at 100 songs until the end of the year and then do a 200 song one then. Since it is an accumulated countdown many of the songs released this year are behind those older songs but they are coming up the countdown. Lots of good new music on my player. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows is number #1 this week. The song was the first single from their latest album Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings.
"I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around and see what there is to see.........."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0QtNSJLkurk
If one was to look at Roger Clemens life these days it wouldn't be a pretty sight. The major league baseball pitcher has been accused of doing steroids, committing perjury and now apparently having sex with a minor. The minor in question was country musician Mindy McCready and a "friend" of the Clemens family since she was 15. Whether or not the affair was intimate at that age is unknown and denied by Clemens but he is still a married man. McCready has served time for drugs, overdosed, admitted to depression and suffered from abuse. Below is a link to some information about her and you can check out her rap sheet yourself. Roger Clemens is just another example of a flawed person who happens to be a famous athlete, time will judge his actions accordingly.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindy_McCready
"We can't rewind, we're locked in time but you're still mine, Do you remember?"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gXMDbf4fbHk
Not a very inspiring or interesting blog entry today but most of you have eyes and memories, so you can paint yourself a better picture while listening to Jack Johnson. Today, the wind is cool and the temperature is only 8, the sun is intermittently emerging between white and grey clouds.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mVmbGsEtmFI
John.

Top 100 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=h2lfD2XpnvM
2. The One I Love by David Gray
3. Creep by Radiohead
4. When I Dream Of Michelangelo by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UrPFBu-sMrg
5. Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by C.C.R.
6. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
7. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
8. One by U2
9. Imitation Of Life by R.E.M.
10. Sunday Morning Coming Down (Live) by Johnny Cash
11. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson
12. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
13. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder
14. Blanket Of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
15. Cowboys by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bk_ou8creJo
16. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
17. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
18. Always by Neverending White Lights
19. Wonderwall by Oasis
20. Let It Ride by Ryan Adams
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tLGrmxz_E50
21. Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
22. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
23. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
24. The Great Escape by Patrick Watson
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YA2h9PrIUxs
25. NYC by Interpol
26. Love Hurts by Incubus
27. Falling Slowly by The Frames
28. Society by Eddie Vedder
29. Empty by Ray LaMontagne
30. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
31. Have You Seen Me Lately? (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
32. Talk Shows On Mute by Incubus
33. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
34. My List by The Killers
35. Lemon Parade by Tonic
36. Montebello Park by The Trews
37. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
38. The Blues by Switchfoot
39. Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
40. The Bends by Radiohead
41. When You Were Young by The Killers
42. No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by The Guess Who
43. Tripping Billies (Live) by Dave Matthews with Tim Reynolds
44. A Long December by Counting Crows
45. Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper
46. Michelle by The Beatles
47. Let It Be by The Beatles
48. The Weight by The Band
49. Baby I Love Your Way by Bob Marley
50. Rootless Tree by Damien Rice
51. Oceanside by The Decemberists
52. Anna Molly by Incubus
53. Everything by Michael Buble
54. With Or Without You by U2
55. Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco
56. Fake Plastic Trees (Live) by Radiohead
57. Alert Status Red by Matthew Good
58. Goodnight, Goodnight by Maroon 5
59. The River by Live
60. Love Stoned by Justin Timberlake
61. O Valencia by The Decemberists
62. Sleep Don't Weep by Damien Rice
63. Daylight Fading by Counting Crows
64. Waiting by City and Colour
65. Some Surprise by The Cake Sale (Featuring Nina Persson and Gary Lightbody)
66. Against The Wind by Bob Seger
67. Twist and Shout by The Beatles
68. Antichrist Television Blues by The Arcade Fire
69. All I Need by Radiohead
70. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dzhUCxXvJbU
71. Elephant by Damien Rice
72. High Life by Counting Crows
73. St. Robinson In His Cadillac Dream (Live) by Counting Crows
74. One Love by Bob Marley
75. All I Ever Wanted (Live) by Brian Melo
76. The Hardest Part by Coldplay
77. Miller's Angels by Counting Crows
78. Your Heart Is An Empty Room by Death Cab For Cutie
79. The Water by Feist
80. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues by Jimmy Eat World
81. Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd
82. Of All The Things You've Done Wrong by Neverending White Lights
83. Alright by Pilot Speed
84. Jigsaw Falling Into Place by Radiohead
85. Thank You by The Redwalls
86. Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
87. Club Thing by Yoav
88. 1492 by Counting Crows
89. Black Star (Acoustic) by Radiohead
90. Rain King (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
91. Angel On My Bike by The Wallflowers
92. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
93. One Horse Town by The Thrills
http://youtube.com/watch?v=u8Pi72q8DwY
94. The Con by Tegan and Sara
95. Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars
96. Hard Road by Sam Roberts
97. Gold In Them Hills by Ron Sexsmith with Chris Martin
98. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M.
99. Off He Goes by Pearl Jam
100. Million Faces by Paolo Nutini

"Tell me I got here at the right time, if I did it's probably the first time, no second guesses or secret signs......"

I am tired today because I slept horribly last night. I am sure it was a carryover from Saturday night's activities. Being the geek I am, I figure that out of the 20 or so people that were there, 8 of them had first names that began with a J. This has been the case for the inner circle of our friends for years, the J's just follow us. Since Jeff had the day off today, we had a late breakfast at Richie's and I had dinner at my grandparents. Tonight it was macaroni and cheese with fresh baked Pilsbury rolls and apple pie for dessert. I had 2 plates, no wonder I am over 170 pounds now. Though I feel it is a very healthy weight for me.
"Don't leave us in the darks, every heart is much the same, we tell ourselves down here, the same chambers fed by veins, the same maze of love and fear, we thought you were a saint, but the halo was an eye, it's hard to see how there could be so much dark inside the light...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lWcs1P0kHkg
The story below about an Austrian man who held his daughter captive for 24 years and used her as a sex slave is one of the most bizarre and disgusting stories I have read in a long time. Not only did he use her for sexual pleasure but she bore him 6 children that lived, one that died. Some of the kids had never seen light. To think that this went on for 24 years without anyone else being aware is the most unbelievable part of the story for me.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/austria_captive_daughter
"Peter said to Paul you know all those words we wrote, are just the rules of the game and the rules are the first to go...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8yrNLLw92F0
From Half A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (I am nearly finished).
"He writes about the world that remained silent while Biafrans died. He argues that Britain inspired the silence. The arms and advice that Britain gave Nigeria shaped other countries. In the United States, Biafra was "under Britain's sphere of interest." In Canada, the prime minister quipped, "Where is Biafra?" The Soviet Union sent technicians and planes to Nigeria, thrilled at the chance to influence Africa without offending America or Britain. And from their white-supremacist positions, South Africa and Rhodesia gloated at further proof that black-run governments were doomed to failure.
Communist China denounced the Anglo-American-Soviet imperialism but did little else to support Biafra. The French sold Biafra some arms but did not give the recognition that Biafra most needed. And many Black African countries feared that an independent Biafra would trigger other secessions and so supported Nigeria."
"Out on the desert now and feeling lost, the bonnet wears a wire albatross, monster ballads and the stations of the cross, sighing just a little bit......"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=XoCXHMvzHk8
The music guests this week on Letterman are The Roots, Alicia Keys, Josh Groban Robyn and Nick Lowe. Today's blog features lyrics from and links to Josh Ritter's music, I am a big fan. Well time to give my full attention to the Canadiens and Flyers game, the Flyers have just scored to make it 1-0. The weather is 6 as the sun disappears behind dark clouds and we are immersed in dusk. Eventually we will all be were we need to be at the right time, even if it never seems like we are.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xzf8QcZLXh4
John.

"Doesn’t anybody want to take another shot at me, go ahead the gun is loaded and the bullets are for free.............."

I had a lot of fun last night but naturally I am paying for it today. Our friend Tyson had a house party for his birthday and for another friend of our James. I am curious if there was any alcohol left this morning because if there isn't, then we drank a hell of a lot. Which isn't unusual, if you know any of us. By my count there was at least 20 people that stopped by and had a beverage or two. The weather even turned out good for the backyard fire and barbecue. The chicken was really good and the girls made very good mashed potatoes, I did a good job of supervising and suggesting. The salad with mandarin oranges was also very good. Sometimes I get lost in my own head too much and forget to have fun, but it was easy last night to have fun, very laid back atmosphere. It has been so long since I have sat by a fire and let my feet get warmed by its presence. The only thing that sucked was that the Canadiens lost and the Jays lost but I barely noticed. I have never seen someone have as much fun reading a Far Side comic book as Jeff did last night, I suppose being already funny to read that being drunk makes Far Side hilarious. They were using other books to feed the fire, my literature self was cringing as the fire was crackling, hopefully they weren't good books. Even the moon seemed to be having a good time last night, it was very bright for only being half full and illuminated many smiles.
"I belong in the service of the Queen, I belong anywhere but in between, she's been crying and I've been thinking......."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RS2uzpXs_NA
The above version of Rain King is too good not to post. It is an acoustic performance at a Dashboard Confessional concert where Adam Duritz of Counting Crows joined them and the guys from Augustana. What impresses me about this performance is that it could seem like something that was rehearsed many times but I am not sure if they even did. If they didn't, it doesn't really show. By the screams of the girls in the front row, this would have been a good show to be at because they were really into it. Rain King is so good, electric or unplugged. I guess like any good song it remains a good song, no matter how it is interpreted.
So I got to bed around 5 and was up at 9. My sister, her husband and the 3 kids were visiting. Not exactly the best thing for a hangover but Rebekah and Amalea are so cute it makes up for it. Though it took a few aspirin to get mobile. I feel pretty good now, just a little absent minded. I started writing this around noon and then decided it was too nice of a day to sit inside, so I went out and read in the sun for a while. Today is probably the last nice day for a few, if the weather forcasters are right. I couldn't let the sun slide by without saying goodbye. My fascination with music makes it necessary for me to think of songs whenever I am around someone with songs named after them. Well not necessary after them but there is a song that shares their name. So since there was 2 Amy's at the house party last night and a Susanna, I think it is necessary to provide links to songs that share their name. So below is Amy by Ryan Adams and Oh, Susanna by Matthew Sabatella and The Rambling String Band.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cOuMkrL0qUY
http://youtube.com/watch?v=O8yrBeigJwU
"So tonight lets be as bold as we want to and drink, drink till we fall down the steps...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jS4UaWh0FOI
"Olanna reached out often to squeeze her arm. The rawness of Edna's grief made her helpless, brought the urge to stretch her hand into the past and reverse history. Finally, Edna fell asleep. Olanna gently placed a pillow beneath her head and sat thinking about how a single act could reverberate over time and space and leave stains that could never be washed off. She thought about how ephemeral life was, about not choosing misery. She would move back to Odenigbo's house." From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
For someone like me not choosing misery isn't easy, I would be kidding myself if I thought it was but it is possible. If not everyday but most days.
I wrote the poem below in September of 2004, 2 days after my nephew was born. His birth and the memory of 9/11 are contrasted and how despite all that death 3 years prior there is still the hope of new life. Even if I am never sure if I would want to bring a child into this world, there are people like my sister who have and as Noah grows older it is my obligation to be a part of that life, no matter what I think of life and of mine itself.
Full Of Hope
Memories fall like buildings today
The past is a castle of crumbling walls
There is a change in the air
Autumn leaves colour and a rollercoaster spins
The day is opening her eyes
I wonder what she will see in me
My head is full of despairing thoughts
Around the corner there are forgotten friends
Left in the absenteeism that is my mind
Saturday nights fog into Sunday mornings
There is a new born I have yet to see
In his eyes I wonder what he will see in mine
I rarely sleep long or well
The moon casts its shadows through my blinds
Tossing and turning in knitted covers
Lying in my own misery
Dying in my own sanctuary
I used to believe in silly love songs
When they played on the radio
Now I need some purpose to believe
All the Gods have failed us
Their religion spawned out of hatred
Everything comes from the devil
Angel wings tarred across the oil fields
The spray of a new sun kisses the land
I can not feel the warmth
There is a chill in my bones
A closet of skeletons wait behind every door
Is this a place for a baby to walk?
I walk to the window
Open to the view falling like memories
Tears form and drop silently
In between I think about jumping
Take it all with me to the other side
Then there are those eyes again
New and full of hope
The way we should all be.
09/12/04
Edited
04/27/08
"Now, I'm having trouble differentiating between what I want and what I need to make me happy....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=b0lJ_wcAzwo
The problem is that what you want doesn't always make you happy and neither does what you need but in time what you need should make you happy. Even if you are like me and have a flawed design.
This blog entry has taken all afternoon to finish. I am really slow today and easily distracted. I guess brain cells do matter.
Everybody wants something and I don't know what I need. It is 15 right now and the sun has disappeared behind what are surely going to be rain clouds.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0nb8Fo1LcDY
John.

"I wonder if we'll meet again and talk about life since then, talk about why did it end......."

The Pittsburgh Penguins are living up to their motto as the Cardiac Kids. Pittsburgh was down 3-0 to the New York Rangers last night and ended up winning the game 5-4. This was a fun game to watch, the Penguins are too young to know that you aren't supposed to come back down 3 goals. All the big guns showed up Jagr had 2 assists, Crobsy had 2 assists and Malkin had the game winning goal and an assist. I hope they run and gun all series, even if this means the Penguins win, as I did pick the Rangers. The other game was a little less exciting with Dallas winning 3-2 in overtime over San Jose, I picked San Jose but have always liked Mike Modano, so wouldn't be disappointed if his Stars went on. This round is not starting well for me 1-3. There was even a Neil Young spotting in San Jose as the legendary Canadian musician was sitting high up and alone. I am a big fan of Neil's music, his political awareness, him as a person and how he maintains a life as an ordinary person. Apparently he attends the games with his son but looked to be at this one alone. I am sure he buys tickets from the box office and gets whatever is available despite his fame and fortune, he could have a box or sit close but this isn't Neil's style.
"There is a town in north Ontario with dream comfort memory to spare and in my mind, I still need a place to go, all my changes were there...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FxGcAm0EkTU
I found the story below a little disturbing. A woman from India died and her new born baby died because doctors refused to treat her because she was an "untouchable".
According to a 2003 article I read there are more than 160 million people in India are considered "Untouchable"—people tainted by their birth into a caste system that deems them impure, less than human. Here in Canada we might look at people like they are lower than us and we might act like we are better than them but we expect our social systems to care for them like they are human.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080424/health/health_india_society_1
Well it looks like Wesley Snipes is going to jail after being handed the maximum 3 year sentence for tax evasion. During the period in question Snipes made 13.8 million and failed to pay 2.7 million in taxes. The IRS has decided to make an example of Snipes to deter others. Personally I think they need the money to pay for the war in Iraq or perhaps Hillary is going to use it to further the American version of Democracy. Obama and Clinton have spent an unimaginable amount of money just to get the chance to be President, I think the campaign donations would have been better off feeding or educating the poor.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/080424/entertainment/snipes_tax_trial_2
Once again racial tensions are high in America following the acquittal of Cops charged with killing a black man. Sean Bell was shot 50 times by 3 detectives with the New York police force on what was supposed to be his wedding day. It turned out that Bell was unarmed and was leaving a strip club with friends following his bachelor party when he was gunned down by the cops. The cops have claimed that they looked and acted like drunken armed thugs after leaving the club and got into a confrontation with people outside and there was supposedly a mention of guns. The cops were obvious trigger happy and unprepared for this situation. Al Sharpton has called this decision an abortion of justice. The article is below.
http://www.thestar.com/article/418414
"The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and stars were the gifts you gave ...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=3iScH1XpjTA
From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
"He writes about starvation. Starvation was a Nigerian weapon of war. Starvation broke Biafra and brought Biafra fame and made Biafra last as long as it did. Starvation made the people of the world take notice and sparked protests and demonstrations in London and Moscow and Czechoslovakia. Starvation made Zambia and Tanzania and Ivory Coast and Gabon recognize Biafra, starvation brought Africa into Nixon's American campaign and made parents all over the world tell their children to eat up. Starvation propelled aid organizations to sneak-fly food into Biafra at night since both sides could not agree on routes. Starvation aided the careers of photographers. And starvation made the International Red Cross call Biafra its gravest emergency since the Second World War."
"He said "We're going wrong, we've all become the same, we dress the same ways, only our accents change..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1rPe0BtYvTA
Today's word is austere; severe in manner or appearance; uncompromising; strict; forbidding: an austere teacher.
Well it is a windy Saturday afternoon, the temperature is approaching 20 but there is the feel of rain in the air.
Have a nice day.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RCZxS277oD4
John.

"For the love you bring won't mean a thing, unless you sing, sing, sing, sing......."

So I actually wrote something new yesterday. The piece is about what happens when I first meet a woman I am attracted to and my need to tell them all my perceived and actual flaws. Woman don't want to know about a man's flaws until they have figured them out for themselves. This is assuming they are mildly attracted to or interested in you. The reason they don't want to know about a man's flaws is because most men lie about them and especially when initially meeting a woman. So if you are like me, overly honest and open, they are either repelled or believe you are lying. The fact that a guy might be honest in a setting like a bar is very hard to believe for some women. Some of them are used to being told anything to help make them interested in a guy. Most guys don't say I'm fucked up and have no idea what I want, so I am most likely not going to call you and avoid you after tonight. Not because I have anything better, or because I wanted to use you, or because I am an asshole (though I might be) but because I am utterly confused and afraid of making a mistake when it comes to getting involved with you. Personally I have no problem fucking up my own life but avoid long term relationships because I don't want to be responsible for fucking up someone else's life. Because I most likely will, until I know what I need. The piece is called Being Too Honest and Candid.
Being Too Honest and Candid
I am not desirable enough
For a woman to pursue me
Being too insular and aloof
When initial opinions are formed
Plagued by social ineptness
Being too honest and candid
When first words are spoken
I cannot hide my inner flaws
They describe and paint me
Not always in flattering ways
Using strange words and dark colours
Normalcy is not my forte
I tend to notice oddities and ironies
Believing in my observation abilities
Truth falling like rain to strangers
Women who are used to lies
Anything to undress their clothes
After enough liquor has been spilt
I am no different under certain circumstances
Except there are no lies or deceits
An aura of romance follows me
Truly believing in fate or destiny
Ready to become faithful and cheerful
When all women need is to forget
How vulnerable they were to a “nice guy”
Who is probably no different than the last
I am too ready to be loved
For a woman to really love me
There has to be something wrong
I have spent too much time alone
Indulging and experimenting
With thoughts and words
Filling up notebooks of poetry
Confusing and quitting people
Selfishly avoiding confrontations
Unwilling to comprehend consequences
Choosing myself over anyone
Who could make me feel
After all this would mean letting go
No longer being able to dream of hurt.
04/24/08
"When everything's over and everything's clear, when everyone's older and no one is here, I try to remember a girl on a wire, tumbling and diving above Stephen's Green like a kite on the air, come back to me..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_HfF-CFCq7Q
I suppose being honest and candid isn't a bad thing, it just leaves you very vulnerable to strangers. This is easy for me because I surround myself with my friends and don't stray too far from them. I am usually doing stuff with the same few people or I am doing stuff by myself, usually the latter. I would imagine being known would make this harder and I found this article in Men's Health written by Adam Duritz, lead singer of Counting Crows, to be very honest and candid.
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=health&category=other.diseases.ailments&conitem=b67ac7fb82e59110VgnVCM20000012281eac____
"I can't avoid the lightning, I can't stand myself, I'm being held up by invisible men...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8vIHsKKv_CI
I think Robert Frost might be my favourite poet because he often wrote about nature and his surroundings. This one is called Spring Pools.
These pools that, though in forests, still reflect
The total sky almost without defect,
And like the flowers beside them, chill and shiver,
Will like the flowers beside them soon be gone,
And yet not out by any brook or river,
But up by roots to bring dark foliage on.
The trees that have it in their pent-up buds
To darken nature and be summer woods---
Let them think twice before they use their powers
To blot out and drink up and sweep away
These flowery waters and these watery flowers
From snow that melted only yesterday.
"Every day I wake up and it's Sunday, whatever's in my head won't go away, the radio is playing all the usual, what's a Wonderwall anyway?....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UeCcuH-EsuM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Hh7pUR5vGQU
It might not always feel like a Sunday to me but whatever is in my head won't go away and I can't help the guys in Travis, I don't know what a Wonderwall is either. Other than a very good song by Oasis. I wonder if it was a slam against Oasis or the song, or simply that the radio played the song too much instead of songs by Travis. I don't know enough about the band but really like their music.
"You know what always amazed me?" she would ask Olanna, as if she had not told her only a day previously. "That civilized white folk wore nice dresses and hats and gathered to watch a white man hang a black man from a tree." From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
"I think love comes first and then the reasons follow. When I am with him, I feel that I don't need anything else." Also from Half Of A Yellow Sun.
"We all live under the same sky, we all will live, we all will die, there is no wrong, there is no right, the circle only has one side...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vkVRfJU9lHo
The second round of the playoffs began last night with Detroit beating Colorado 4-3 and Montreal beating Philadelphia 4-3 in overtime. Neither game was great, from a pure hockey perspective but they were both enjoyable to watch. Detroit exploding on Colorado after they scored first, they chased Jose Theodore from the net and "apparently" he had the flu and didn't return to the bench. Colorado dominated the third period but couldn't break through Chris Osgood to tie the game, I thought Theodore would outplay Osgood, I was wrong on the first night. In Montreal the Flyers jumped out to a 2-0 after the first period, Montreal scored twice in the second, the Flyers scored early in the third and Alex Kovalev scored with less than a minute left to tie the game. It was Kovalev's second goal of the night and a great shot to the top corner. Then after a big save by Price early in overtime, Kostopolous scored down the ice to give Montreal the win. The goal took 48 seconds and I was hoping for a long overtime with Montreal winning but I suppose I can't have everything, the long overtimes are so fun though, hope we get one this year. At least this time the Montreal fans didn't riot outside after the game and spoil a good win. After all it is only a few DUMB fans anyway who would destroy their city as a way of showing their happiness.
The Raptors also won last night and now trail the Magic 2-1 in their first round NBA playoff series. It was nice to see a sold out ACC supporting Toronto and it made a huge difference. I think they will tie the series in game 4 and will then have to win 2 of 3 including a game in Orlando, not the best case scenario but better than what I thought after falling behind 2-0 to start the series.
The Jays got swept by the Rays last night. What a joke the team is. Gibbons and Riccardi have to go. I will try not to rant too much about my displeasure towards this collection of underachievers and overrated baseball players. At least Rolen is back tonight but for how long might be a good question. It even annoys me, that I care so much about the team.
"Well I stand at the crossroads of highroads and lowroads, and I got a feeling it's right...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CxJhtu5EUJ0
Today's words are pedantic; very concerned with minute details or formalisms, esp. in teaching. Volubility; characterized by a ready and continuous flow of words; fluent; glib; talkative: a voluble spokesman for the cause. Gossamer; a fine, filmy cobweb seen on grass or bushes or floating in the air in calm weather, esp. in autumn.
The weather is overcast right now, 18 and today's high is supposed to be 22 with more rain. But the Weather Network woman can't be blamed for the rain she is too gorgeous.
I need to get my haircut and shave my growing playoff beard, way too itchy.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=G1f2M5G9KG8
John.

"Love and some verses you hear, say what you can't say....."

So printing off a thousand poems proved to be too tedious and so the majority of them ended up on a disk. Also it isn't good for the black ink levels of your printer and a waste of paper. The disk will be found at the bottom of a box many years from now and might be a source of curiosity or it might simply find its way to the garbage.
There is a song by the band Five For Fighting called If God Made You and I am sure it played some part in the writing of this poem.
"Sunset sailing on April skies."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vsQf25jv8Uw
This poem was written almost exactly 4 years ago and it must have been a rainy spring. I am sure I was looking down on King Street wishing I could also fall like the rain.
April Skies
It always seems to be raining
Down from these April skies
On Sundays waiting for angels
Keep me covered from the rain
Keep me safe from the pain
All my dreams are pennies
Left at the bottom of a wishing well
Where the light never attaches
Where the night never releases
It only lingers like a shadow
Ghosts of the faces
I have forgotten
Faces of the ghosts
I have ignored
Hoping they will go away
The way everyone else has
Instead they stir echoes
Behind the lyrics I sing
When no one is listening
It is only loneliness
At its melancholy best
I have not been well for years
I have imagined a thousand tears
Falling for what I see as fears
Everything that moves
Everything that stays
When all I want is change
Down from these April skies
Out of these rambling words
I do not offer as much anymore
It is not the same as before
All the inspiration has bled
My heart is empty and dead
I feel it my limbs
I see it my eyes
Blue or green
Does not matter anymore
Colours only cover grey
Dust for the angel wings
Dirt for the devil graves
It is all falling down around me
Crumbling like castles of sand
Once built on the shore
Before the tide washed them away
Where everything goes
Where everyone goes
When you need them the most
When you need it the most
Whatever the it is
The part of my life stolen
A thief in King’s clothing
Wearing a crown of jewels
Leading a town of Jesters
Laughing and mocking
At what I have become
When all I see falls
Down from these April skies.
04/25/04
Edited
04/24/08
I didn't touch this poem and it was also written over 4 years ago. It would seem that everything I wrote then was sad but almost everything I have ever written is sad.
If She Cries
There is nothing the white doves can do
There is nothing the black skies can do
Everything is changing
Everyone is falling
The world is dying
All the light is fading
There is no one to pray to
There is no one to cry to

Colours explode out of the stars
Memories crash out of the cars
Everything is leaving
Everyone is dying
The world is turning
All the sight is blinding
There is nothing left in the glass jars
There is nothing left on the planet Mars

Fears occupy their own space
Peers share their own disgrace
Everything is nothing
Everyone is decomposing
The world is contracting
All the night is blackening
Years pass by her place
Tears roll down her face.
03/04/04
"Birds are leaving over autumn's ending, one of us will die inside these arms, eyes wide open, naked as we came, one will spread our ashes 'round the yard....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0XXD20DhV4c
Last night I watched the movie Then She Found Me directed by and starring Helen Hunt. Hunt plays a nearly 40 year old childless school teacher who gets left by husband and this is the first in a series of events confounding her life. This movie has many twists and turns, some work and some don't but overall it is a pretty good movie. Supporting roles are played enjoyable by Bette Midler and Colin Forth, but I am not a fan of Matthew Broderick, though the character he plays is how I imagine him behaving in real life, so perhaps it is appropriate. The movie uses a great song called Naked As We Came by Iron and Wine and the link above is a live performance of that song. Below there is a link to a review of Then She Found Me, 7/10 from me.
http://independentfilms.suite101.com/article.cfm/then_she_found_me_review
There was a story last night on Global National about an university in B.C. offering a course about The Simpson's as part of its Sociology department. I would definitely take this course because I have watched enough episodes, not many in the past few years but used to watch a lot. I would often see beyond the slapstick humour which is what this course asks its students to do. There is more to the show than just its laughs and it is often a social commentary on life in America. Despite all the Simpson family's flaws, they are a family and it usually show in the end. The same way the Bundy's were always a family, not all families are as dysfunctional as either of these television families but all of our families have elements of them. There is a link to the story about The Simpson's course below.
http://www.canada.com/globaltv/national/story.html?id=cd8d9227-4c43-4b85-b139-43de38f18174
“No one lives forever and the devil never sleeps alone....”
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hvh4xitM2qI
I get so annoyed watching Toronto Blue Jays games that they are no longer fun. They lost another game last night that they should have won. They were winning 3-0 over the Rays with their ace Roy Halladay on the mound. But in the end they lost 5-3, as Halladay decided to choke up the game by giving up 4 in the sixth inning. He is a great pitcher but has trouble pitching when someone gets a hit they shouldn't or a call doesn't go his way, plus I think the Blue Jays leave him out there too long. If he gets into trouble he usually doesn't get out of it right away, which is why you have a bullpen. I don't care if he doesn't like it, pull him from the game and if the bullpen loses it, then the bullpen loses it. He doesn't have to pitch a complete game each time out, after 5 innings if he gets into trouble the bullpen should start warming up. I was glad Lyle Overbay wasn't playing because he is horrible. The team is 10-12. I figure they need to finish the year 95-67 to make the playoffs this year, which means they need to go 85-55 in the next 140 games. I can't see this happening they are way too inconsistent. At least when they miss the playoffs Gibbons and Riccardi will be fired, THANK GOD. The team needs winners and not underachievers.
"A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans, then making a wish he tossed in the sea, walk to a town that all of us burn, when God left the ground to circle the world..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dhmH_itX59A
A boy with a coin in the poorer countries of the world might be a rarity very soon as world grain and rice prices are soaring. The cost of food across the world is becoming a major problem and many aid agencies including World Vision Canada are claiming they will be unable to feed as many people as they have in previous years. The starting point is the price of oil and therefore the price of gas, everything is more expensive to ship and therefore more expense to purchase. There are a lot of companies, countries and individual people getting rich off of oil but there are many more starving and becoming poor because of our dependency on oil. There are so many alternatives to oil but not enough desire by those in power and with money to make this happen. I think there will be more riots and potentially a world war over food, unless action is taken sooner than later. I read that this is the most serious threat of a global food shortage since WWII. Hoarding has already began in many countries.
"Give me your hand and take what you will tonight, I'll give it as fast and high as the flame will rise ....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gPZtqmK7CqY
"She would no longer appear at his door at night and lie on her back and spread her legs silently, at least not for a while. He felt a strange crushing weight in his head. Change was hurtling toward him, bearing down on him, and there was nothing he could do to make it slow down." From Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
The woman on the Weather Network with her tight cashmere sweaters and tight cotton shirts is killing me. At least, I could tell you the weather just about anywhere, here it is 18 Celsius with a cool northern wind.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VSME-a-iD0E
John.

"It's a dream, only a dream and it's fading now, fading away, it's only a dream, just a memory without anywhere to stay......."

I used to write 4 or 5 poems a week and had been doing so for nearly 10 years. I decided last week that my heart wasn't in it and stopped. I never saved those that I wrote from age 20-26 but those that I wrote from 26-29 are saved on my old computer. So there is nearly 4 years of words, I wouldn't call it poetry but it is a collection of words. The problem now is that I told my sister she could have the computer and now need to save them. I thought about deleting them all but couldn't. Being lost and being erased are two completely different things. Being lost means you might be found and being erased means you will not be. I suppose I could have just saved them to a disk but I know the disk would just end up in a box or in a closet. So I have decided to print them all out and edit them all at some point. It will give me something creative to do and let me write a little. Recycling garbage more like it but I might find a pearl among the dust. So much for worrying about the environment as I know it is a waste of paper but it is the only way I can edit. My pencil can not write on my laptop monitor, well actually it can but it isn't recommended. I figure at 5 poems a week for 4 years, I am looking at over 1000 pieces of writing and some of them are 2 or 3 pages long. When I first started printing them off, I would read them but now I just print. The reading left me confused and a little frightened to think what was on the page had come from some place inside me or inside my imagination. The quality varied from absolute crap to sort of crappy, but we are harshest critics. I think it might take me a lifetime to edit all of these, which I don't like to because I have been taken out of the moment. Still I do it because I think it will be better but in reality it might be worse. Perhaps only pearls should be dusted and polished.
"I've been in my mind, it's such a fine line that keeps me searching for a heart of gold and I'm getting old...."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=M_4v_TGoIfI
The good thing about my writing is that I date everything and it is like a mini-journal of sorts. The first and completely random piece that I tried to edit this morning is called Elsewhere. It is what happens when we are somewhere but really want to be somewhere else, we are unable to give our full attention to the present. A perfect example would be trying to have a conversation with somebody and knowing they aren't listening.
Elsewhere
There is nothing left to give
Morning light dives through blinds
Ice glistens on glass windows
Beyond it a new day arrives
Leaving a permanent goodbye
The shadow on the heart is gone
Its departure beating an absolute truth
Beauty is only part of the equation
It will never make the girl whole
There has to be other pieces to add
We all get distracted by others
Even in the company of a friend
Who tries too hard to understand you
When all you want to know is elsewhere
It is what you do and who you are
You are never only in one place
There is a constant distraction of something better
Perhaps this is what we are all looking for
The trees are barren with limbs like bony fingers
They point to the sky and beyond
Everyone is always looking up and beyond
For a bright star or a white angel
The soul that they lost or think they did
In the memories of their disappearing youth
While they ignore what is at their feet
The person who could potentially change them
Isn’t this what we all want or need
To be changed for the better by somebody
But we are always looking elsewhere
It drives us crazy and to distraction
Eliminating our potential and attraction
Should somebody be ready to love us
It is often too late when we realize this
The morning light has completely disappeared
Yesterday is permanently departed
All that is left are mistakes and shadows
The heart has moved on elsewhere.
01/28/07
Edited
04/23/08
"I keep my friends eternally, we leave our tracks in the sound, some of them are with me now, some of them can't be found......."
http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/neilyoung/videos/video/7587099/the_painter
The following passages are from Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. "Is love this misguided need to have you beside me most of the time? Is love this safety I feel in our silences? Is it this belonging, this completeness?"
"Clay pots fired in zeal, they will cool our feet as we climb."
The book is about the Biafra's struggle for an independent republic in southeastern Nigeria during the late 1960's. The succession established this republic for a few years and its creation was proceeded and followed by massacres. The eventual failure to sustain an independent republic resulted in the deaths of thousands at the hands of Nigerian army. Nigeria blocked as much food and supplies it could from reaching the Igbo people of Biafra and was successful killing many more this way. A number often cited is around a million. One of the characters in the book is writing a book about Igbo-Ukwa art and in particular discoveries made at the town of Igbo-Ukwu. The art is fascinating and below is a short article about the town. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Igbo_Ukwu
I like books that weave its fictional characters throughout the history of a period. I find it much more rewarding than picking up a history book and trying to learn about certain aspects of this world that way. Half Of A Yellow Sun is like this as was a book I read earlier this year called Breath, Eyes, Memory by Edwidge Danticat. This book was mostly set between Haiti and New York and its story was defined by the differences between the two cultures. Other books I have read like this are Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels, the story of a boy pulled from the rubble of the Holocaust and him trying to find comfort in Canada. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini follows characters from Afghanistan to America and is poignant in its handling of human relationships and forgiveness. A Sunday By The Pool In Kigali by Gil Courtemanche is set among what was the genocide in Rwanda and its characters are defined by it while the world watched mostly silently. There are countless books like this and these are only a few examples. History is not only dates, facts and numbers. History is people and their stories. You can read a history book and learn that millions were killed in a genocide but until you read an account of one of those deaths, you have learned nothing. Even if the account is fictional, a good writer will use factual elements to convey what is a nearly accurate portrait of their lives and deaths.
"But only love can break your heart, try to be sure right from the start, yes only love can break your heart, what if your world should fall apart?....."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8j_O0e20kfA
The first round of the NHL playoffs is over now and I think many fans in 8 cities would disagree with Mr. Young's assertion above, that only love can break your heart. Sports often breaks our hearts but it usually doesn't last as long as love's breakage. I am sure there are fans in Washington and Calgary today who are feeling like their world has fallen apart. Losing a game 7 is never fun, it means you were good but just not good enough, that is harder than just not being good. Trust me, I played competitive baseball for many years and it is easier to lose on a team that you know is bad than it is to lose on a team that you think is good. When you think you are on a team that is supposed to win and you don't it is beyond disappointing. Washington should have won and Calgary was winning, both those teams were good enough to win and expected to win. Boston who also lost a game 7, wasn't supposed to win and got blown out in game 7, anyone fans of Boston who honestly expected their team to win were dreaming. Any athlete who plays at a competitive level should be playing to win and should expect to win but there are times that you know, you and your team aren't good enough. It doesn't mean that you don't play hard and you don't play all out but you keep your expectations in check. When it was my time to pitch, I always took the same attitude to the mound each time out and that was to win. Whatever it took, hitting a batter to send a message, offering encouragement to a teammate who made an error, telling the umpire off, telling the parents of the other team off, throwing the ball into the outfield when the coach came out to pull me, getting into arguments with teammates because they weren't giving the same effort and simply showing up. I know I was too competitive which is why I can't play in fun leagues because I expect high quality play from myself and therefore from others. In the end it is only a game but to some of us, it is a reflection of us as a person. I finished the first round of the playoffs with a 7-1 record, and the only series I got wrong was Washington and Philadelphia. Philadelphia won on the power play in the overtime but although it was a penalty against Washington, it was a penalty that is usually only called in the first or second periods, not in overtime of a game 7. Such are the rules though.
Time for my second round predictions.
Colorado versus Detroit
I like Detroit much better without Hasek in net but I believe Theodore is playing too good to give the edge to Osgood who takes over for Hasek. Both teams are talented up front but I believe Colorado is deeper. On defence Detroit has Lidstrom which immediately gives them the edge but Colorado has Foote and some good puck movers. There is a history of hate between these teams and this should be an intense series. I think Colorado is tougher having survived Minnesota's big bodies and will wear out Detroit in a long series. I like the Avalanche to take this series. 4-2.
Dallas versus San Jose
Both these teams proved something to their critics by winning their first round series. It was important for Dallas's Marty Turco and San Jose's Joe Thornton in particular. Both teams have strong rejuvenated veterans in particular Mike Modano and Jeremy Roenick who are playing like it is the early 1990's and when they were playing in Minnesota and Chicago. I think San Jose is too strong on defense and too deep at forward and will role four strong lines until Dallas is worn out.
San Jose 4-1.
Philadelphia versus Montreal
In game 7 against Boston Carey Price proved he was the real deal, in case you doubted it but Marty Biron proved clutch with his performance in game 7 against Washington, stopping 39 of 41 shots. Philadelphia is a very resilent team and Montreal is a Cinderella team of sorts. This should be a very interesting series. It could come down to who is better Daniel Briere or Alex Kovalev, Biron or Price. Both cities are tough to play in for visiting teams. I think Montreal will be quicker out of the gate but it will be a long series. I have to go with my heart and the Canadian team.
Montreal 4-3.
New York versus Pittsburgh
Legends are made in New York and by beating New York, this is what Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin are trying to do. For them to be successful they will have to beat two living legends Jaromir Jagr and Brendan Shanahan who have a combined 1296 goals and 3037 regular season points in their careers along with 130 goals and 292 playoff points. Crosby and Malkin will have to be better than them. Hossa and Pittsburgh's extras will have to be better than Gomez, Drury and New York's extras. The difference makers in the series could be Sean Avery and Gary Roberts, if Roberts is healthy he is as pesky and clutch as Avery is proving this playoff. Both are as tough as nails. These two teams have young defenses, Pittsburgh's is anchored by Gonchar and New York's is by Rozsival. Both have young studs like Marc Staal for New York and Ryan Whitney for Pittsburgh. New York's Lundqvist is a stronger goalie than Fleury for Pittsburgh. This should be a fun series to watch, I hope they play it wide open but it does favour the younger Penguins if they can score on their chances. I still like the Rangers.
4-2.
"We've been through some things together with trunks of memories still to come, we found things to do in stormy weather, long may you run..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=lk_M5kg7dGo
Long may we run should be the Democratic party's new slogan because with Hillary Clinton's 10% victory last night in the Pennsylvania primary they will be running longer than Obama would have wanted. Had Clinton lost last night, it would almost have certainly been followed by her exit from the race. This win and by 10% has given her a new sense of momentum and shows once again how divided the Democratic party is. The delegate count according to CNN still favours Obama 1719 to 1586 but he has been unable to win the big states raising questions about being electable in a general election. I really don't know how the Democrats are going to get out of this without dividing their own party and deeply dividing it. I am starting to favour McCain anyway, though my Canadian opinion is based on different factors than Americans who will pick their next President. Both Clinton and Obama have come out against NAFTA which is very good for Canada and because of our energy very good for Americans, though they can't see it. Like Harper said yesterday, Americans who want to reopen and negotiate a new NAFTA will be negotiating with a Canada that is in a stronger position than the United States. They need what we have more than we need what they have, even though 85% of our trade is with them, Americans wish they had our natural resources and energy sources.
"There were children crying and colors flying, all around the chosen ones. All in a dream, all in a dream, the loading had begun. They were flying Mother Nature's silver seed to a new home in the sun..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mdvic9cRsFM
Today's word is ebullient; overflowing with fervor, enthusiasm, or excitement; high-spirited: The award winner was in an ebullient mood at the dinner in her honor.
I am sunburned, sandal blistered and it isn't even May. Today is the first day in a week where I feel cold and it is still 22 out but there is a very strong northern wind. 19 and sunny tomorrow, if only spring could remain all year, I would be a faithful lover.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PPtHGAFXBws
John.

"Most of the time I got nothing to say, when I do it's nothing and nobody's there to listen anyway......"

Today is Earth Day and it was first celebrated in 1970, when the modern environmental movement began at the grassroots level. In the past 38 years there has been some progress made and environmental awareness has never been higher around the world. Whether this awareness and actions growing out of it will be able to fix the damage already done from previous negligence and ignorance remains to be seen. Our actions cannot be confined to singular events like Earth Hour and Earth Day. They need to part of our daily activities and they need to become second nature. I am not an overly "green" person but I am getting better at making little changes and doing more than before. I am particularly good at conserving energy by using as little light as possible. It helps to have good eyes and lots of candles to read by, plus they smell good. In ten years when my eyes suck from reading with too little light, I will know what to blame. The biggest thing most people can do is recycle, but if you observe people out in public, you know there is a long way to go. Garbage ends up everywhere and anyway, rising in the wind trying to recreate a scene from American Beauty.
"I wish I was the wind, I'd touch your face"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=kZl_foxwOLo
I was having a shitty day yesterday which actually began with the fact that I slept horribly Sunday evening. My timing for anything yesterday was off and I was grumpier than usual. Actually I am never really grumpy, I just don't smile much and I am overly introspective. In fact I am pretty funny, even if I can't be sarcastic but very few people get to know that. But my day got better as most of them inevitably do. I had dinner at my grandparents; roast beef with gravy, baked potato with sour cream, cabbage, carrots and tomatoes with zucchini bread and tea for dessert. I did have two plates for dinner and a second helping of zucchini bread. I will rollerblade it off, soon enough. Then the Montreal Canadiens won game 7 against the Boston Bruins, Carey Price was amazing and early Alex Kovalez was great. The crowd was racous and inspiring, it is too bad celebrations after the game were uncivilized, ruining the feel good atmosphere inside the Bell Centre. Among those in the crowd for the game where Canadiens legends Jean Beliveau and Ken Dryden along with former Prime Minister Jean Chretien and current Liberal leader Stephan Dion. It was funny watching Chretien try and cheer. The Canadiens victory makes me 6-0 in my first round predictions thus far and with a Washington and San Jose victory tonight, I could be perfect. I really want Washington to win and thought they were dead when they fell behind 2-0 last night but Alexander Ovechkin scored twice and they won 4-2, forcing tonight's game seven. I am torn between Calgary and San Jose because I picked San Jose and still think they have a deeper team but Calgary is a Canadian team and has Iginla, who is reason enough to cheer for the Flames. Should be an exciting night.
"Hell, I still love you, New York"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jsAUzmR6DSU
"This pretzel is making me thirsting..." I still love the fact that when there is nothing on television, after sports have played their role, I can still find Seinfeld. The episode I watched last night with Kramer getting a line in a Woody Allen movie and George trying to park cars, along with other antics always makes me laugh. What made the show so good in my opinion was how they spun everything together, each character's plot was never taken out of the context of the other characters. A string binding each of them, for the good or the bad.
Also last night's Letterman was one of the better one's in a while. Billy Crystal was on and is always funny. The beautiful Maria Sharapova was on and the 3 of them played tennis on the street. Plus Chris Elliot spent time with the New York Rangers, which was funny and in typical Chris fashion creepy. The links are below.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=56Q1FqtgQbM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=T_plI2nu2cU
Makes me want to start playing tennis again.
From the Hour last night I learned that there is a frog that has no lungs and breathes through its skin.
"I taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb. They taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=hbVx-Jjs9r4
Below is my music countdown, shorter and perhaps still irrelevant to you but what I listen to is more than relevant to me.
Today isn't great but it isn't shitty and couldn't be because I got to talk to Rebekah, who was pretending to be a cat and thus I had to bark like a dog. We are all children, even it takes actual children to show us how to be.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dty4Jk0eERA
john.

Top 40 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YHrH88JtxaM
2. Have You Ever Seen The Rain by C.C.R.
3. When I Dream Of Michelangelo by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SuVXF9os6Gw
4. The One I Love by David Gray
5. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
6. Creep by Radiohead
7. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
8. Imitation Of Life by R.E.M.
9. Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash
10. Blanket Of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
11. Cowboys by Counting Crows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Nae39OSzKrU
12. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder
13. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
14. One by U2
15. Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
16. Always by Neverending White Lights
http://youtube.com/watch?v=obIBXJ0_UkY
17. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson
18. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
19. Society by Eddie Vedder
20. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
21. Falling Slowly by The Frames
22. Talk Shows On Mute by Incubus
23. NYC by Interpol
24. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
25. My List by The Killers
26. The Great Escape by Patrick Watson
27. Empty by Ray LaMontagne
28. Let It Ride by Ryan Adams
29. Lemon Parade by Tonic
30. Montebello Park by The Trews
31. Love Hurts by Incubus
32. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
33. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
34. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
35. When You Were Young by The Killers
36. Tripping Billies (Live) by Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds
37. A Long December by Counting Crows
38. Michelle by The Beatles
39. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
http://youtube.com/watch?v=slUIDNUnbO4
40. Let It Be by The Beatles

"You go to sleep dreaming how you would be a different kind, if you thought you could but you come away the way you are instead........"

Welcome to my new blog Dust On Pearls. The title of the blog is borrowed from part of the lyrics to Le Ballet D'or by Counting Crows.
"We've wasted time running scared, now Autumn's fire is ashes on the breeze and it spins away like dust on pearls."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PD67NjyoXMk
I decided to delete my old blog and start over new. There was really no reason other than it felt right. Sometimes that is enough. Sometimes that isn't enough. A certain feeling appears and might quickly disappear or it might linger and annoy. In this feeling are other feelings along the same line. I also deactivated my Facebook account. I thought I would enjoy it and I did for a while. Lately I just got to the point where it was boring. You add "friends" but mostly they are acquaintances or people from the past, who you lost connection with for reasons. So during a month, out of all your "friends", you might spend time with 10% of them and maybe communicate with another 10% of them. What the hell is the point of having the other 80%, you don't talk to them, they don't talk to you. Everyone just lingers and appears with their various status updates. Names from the past with no connection to the present and most likely the future. This is not to insult anyone, it is just the truth. I will miss being able to write sarcastic ramblings on Maria's wall or playing Scrabble, but it takes days to finish a game and thus boring. Most of the guys I hang out with are in my baseball pool or I see them on weekends. There are a few other things I will miss like Kara's occasional emails, Sarah Maria's mutual love for Counting Crows and her wall posts. But we found each other at annabegins.com's poetry forum and I can always find her poetry there whenever she posts it. As for my attempts at poetry, it has been 10 days and I don't miss it. My heart hasn't been in it for a long time and inventing emotions to feel is no longer possible. This blog will be enough writing for me. When I bought this laptop about a year ago, I left a lot of poems on my old hard drive. Since my sister is taking that soon, I will have to get them off of there. So I suppose I could end up putting them here from time to time. There are things you are supposed to hang on to and there are things you are supposed to let go off. Knowing what belongs in which category is never easy but you have to trust those lingering feelings and your heart. I will spend time with the friends I want to spend time with, the same friends I have been spending time with for a lot of years now. You don't have to be on Facebook to have "friends" or to be "friends" with someone, in fact it makes it easier not to be friends. There is no need to inquire about their lives because on the surface everything is there to be seen but in reality there is really nothing there but dust on pearls.
As Jeff and I were sitting on his parent's porch last night, two old friends conversing and laughing while a warm spring day became a cool spring night, I thought about a line from a book I am reading. "Because of too much Book, you no longer know how to laugh." The line is from a brilliant book called Half Of A Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I couldn't agree more, the more you learn about or the more you read about this world's ugliness, the more guarded you are and it becomes harder to laugh.
"Makes you laugh a little slower and makes you talk a little lower..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IZJiqiV-gWo
You have to remember to laugh and listen to chirping cardinals between the comfortable silence of old friends, while a blue sky becomes pink, purple, orange and then black.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NTM2Zkjk4dg
john.