"Here comes that shit again, I got a Halloween head, head full of tricks and treats, it leads me though nighttime streets,black cats and fallen trees"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCZ7vnxIP3E
Halloween Head by Ryan Adams
It actually snowed the other day. The damage it caused to the trees and their branches was bad. Victoria Park looked like a tornado went through it and many older trees didn't survive. Snow in October is nothing new to Southern Ontario but it has been years since we had that much snow this early. I imagine many of the trees I took pictures of a couple of weeks ago have been altered greatly. I will post some of those pictures below. I never got out to capture the snow damage. I am sure you can imagine autumn coloured trees bending under the weight of wet snow. Nature gives and nature takes, much like humanity.
I don't like holidays, gatherings or much of anything I have to think too long about. Just knowing there is a party, trip or other event coming up drives me nuts. I think about them until I no longer want to be apart of them, it isn't normal. How can you be so stressed about events which are supposed to be fun. You would think these things would get easier as I get older but they aren't. Much like wanting to search for love, there are just so many reasons not to and those reasons get more abundant with age.
I wrote the following yesterday.
The Skin Always Bleeding
Blood drips like water
Pain does not matter
The world continues on
With you and without me
I am mistake prone
Cut through to bone
The skin always bleeding
My heart never loving
What appears before me
A vague concept of beauty
Is all I will ever comprehend
Despite intermittent brilliance
My mind refuses to think
Before it destroys everything
I have spent days building
A castle of hope crumbling
The sand turning to mud
When November rain comes
Summer is definitely gone
A face erased in a memory
Her features indistinguishable
Though I remember loving her
Why, becomes an obvious question
The answer now does not matter
All the blood has mixed into water
Creating a dark red pool of truth
I cannot be reflected or identified
Unfortunately not quite invisible
There are traces of my fingerprints
Across disappointing thoughts
Coming from those who knew me
Less than most people can claim
I do not want to exist like this
A fragment of a whole person
One who is always hiding
Some semblance of shame
Physically and emotionally raw
Unwilling to ask for help
Walking around in a circle
Never able to get anywhere
I have ever wanted to be
Every day is a Monday
Every month is November
Every heart is taken
Every moment is lost
Making me life’s loser
The person who should win
Though never really does
Because I do not love myself
There is nothing worse than this
Even a year of November days.
10/30/08
I am currently reading The Gathering by Anne Enright, it is really good, sarcastic and melancholy. I think I belong in Ireland or along the coast of Scotland.
The following clips are from Ryan Adams performance Wednesday night on Letterman, he and the Cardinals performed two songs from their Cardinology album out this week. I have given it a listen, it is good, but not as good as 2007's Easy Tiger.
Fix It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si14rmNJcvA
Cobwebs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQgj_ajClJY
The following are a few clips from Counting Crows and their 3 day stand in New Jersey this week.
Angels of the Silences (Electric)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZdFiA_RnTs
When I Dream of Michelangelo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2YNBveCrLo
Round Here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Nv2uZeLqE
Enjoy your Halloween, I just can't get into the holiday this year. Also I am not really looking forward to November, such a depressing month, even for a person like me. I forgot about the pictures, I will post them soon, they are of autumn at its best. I am rarely at mine.
jr.

"I see today with a newsprint fray, my night is colored headache grey, don't wake me with so much, daysleeper......."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdDTCfD41Ck
Daysleeper by R.E.M.
I am one of these day sleepers and it has killed my creativity. I am barren like the coming landscape of November.
I finished reading Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen on Sunday, I would recommend it. Once again it is on to a new book.
I actually tried to write something the other night. The results are below.
Invisible To Everyone
The wind blew cold this morning
I am heading home for some sleep
After a long and unmotivated night
The previous hours passed by stupidly
I am unchallenged and easily bored
Life should be more than it is for me
Complex puzzles waiting to be solved
Instead of a bright mind fading away
Leaving nothing behind but darkness
The emptiness is killing my confidence
An already weak being on life support
I would like to pull the plug and be free
Allowing me to become a better person
The person of my dreams and imagination
A man with an abundance of gifts to give
Kindness, patience, passion and intelligence
I could be a man to love for some woman
One with a winter fire warmth in her heart
The flickering light never leaving her eyes
No matter how often I doubt my competence
When it comes to my abilities as a human
There have been too many days spent alone
For a fragility not to exist inside my person
I am too introverted to ever really be free
Though there has to be a better option
Rather than becoming invisible to everyone
Even in a room of friends it happens often
I disappear into myself and observe others
The familiar voices, smiles and laughter
Known stories and their exuberant telling
A shared history with differing interpretations
I was there in reality but not really there
The completeness of my input is incomplete
No wonder everything seems melancholy
When happiness is not easily felt or found
I am asleep in the warmth of better days
Not ready to wake to the reality of November
As it approaches closer with each gust of wind
Scattering October’s leaves and my fragile ideas
Returning me to a barren world of little hope.
10/21/08
Another edition of the countdown is below, top 100 out of 1397 songs.
After enough time it is not the substance of the secret but the fact that the secret exists at all.
jr.

Top 100 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows (1)
2. The One I Love by David Gray (2)
3. All The Trees Are Hers by Hawksley Workman (3)
4. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M. (4)
5. You Are My Face by Wilco (8)
6. Always by Neverending White Lights (7)
7. When I Dream Of Michelangelo by Counting Crows (6)
8. No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses (5)
9. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder (10)
10. Empty by Ray LaMontagne
11. Wonderwall by Oasis
12. Waiting by City and Colour
13. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
14. Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by C.C.R.
15. A Long December by Counting Crows
16. O Valencia by The Decemberists
17. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
18. Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World
19. Everything by Michael Buble
20. Creep by Radiohead
21. One by U2
22. Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
23. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
24. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
25. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
26. Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
27. The Hardest Part by Coldplay
28. When You Were Young by The Killers
29. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
30. The Blues by Switchfoot
31. Every Part of Me by Sam Roberts
32. Off He Goes by Pearl Jam
33. Girl In The War by Josh Ritter
34. Blanket of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
35. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
36. Antichrist Television Blues by The Arcade Fire
37. Against The Wind by Bob Seger
38. Hard Candy by Counting Crows
39. Accidental Babies by Damien Rice
40. Naked As We Came by Iron and Wine
41. My List by The Killers
42. These Girls by Ryan Adams
43. Lemon Parade by Tonic
44. Sing by Travis
45. Kite by U2
46. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
47. Cowboys by Counting Crows
48. Have You Seen Me Lately? by Counting Crows
49. Catapult (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
50. Sky Blue Sky by Wilco
51. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
52. Gold In Them Hills by Ron Sexsmith with Chris Martin
53. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
54. The Bends by Radiohead
55. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues by Jimmy Eat World
56. If You're Gonna Leave by Emerson Hart
57. Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids
58. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
59. Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson
60. 1492 by Counting Crows
61. Falling Slowly by The Frames
62. A Time To Be So Small by Interpol
63. Tears and Rain by James Blunt
64. You're Always Going Too Soon by Matthew Jay
65. Alright by Pilot Speed
66. Only The Lonely by Roy Orbison
67. Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco
68. The Con by Tegan and Sara
69. On Again, Off Again by Sean Lennon
70. Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
71. The Grace by Neverending White Lights featuring Dallas Green
72. Invincible by Muse
73. Bedshaped by Keane
74. NYC by Interpol
75. Society by Eddie Vedder
76. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists
77. Miller's Angels by Counting Crows
78. The Weight by The Band
79. Hotel Roosevelt by Augustana
80. Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper
81. Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
82. Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie
83. Your Song by Elton John
84. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
85. No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by The Guess Who
86. Anna Molly by Incubus
87. Breakdown by Jack Johnson
88. 1973 by James Blunt
89. Mind Games by John Lennon
90. Snow Is Gone by Josh Ritter
91. Barfly by Ray LaMontagne
92. Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
93. Telling Them by Starsailor
94. Hello Sunshine by Super Furry Animals
95. Josephine by The Wallflowers
96. Impossible Germany by Wilco
97. Los Angeles by Counting Crows
98. Summer Skin by Death Cab For Cutie
99. Love Hurts by Incubus
100. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson

"All my friends and lovers, they shine like the sun, well I just turn and walk away, one way or another, I'm not coming undone, I'm just waiting....."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9krEYQld-o&feature=related
All My Friends by Counting Crows
Not really an autumn song, except for the mention of a falling leaf. It is a song about watching your friends lives change in ways your live hasn't and being happy for them but questioning your own live. I have friends who are married now and have children, a life much unlike my own. Of course I am happy for them and it makes wonder if I shouldn't have these things myself. Though I am not sure if they are things I want now or even ever. I guess there is the question itself and I guess until I meet someone with whom I might want these things, the question will remain unanswered. I think I might be too solitary of a person for a crowded life.
I haven't written an entry in over a week. A week which saw Canada reelect Stephen Harper with another minority government. A lot of taxpayer money to produce the same outcome of two years ago, I am not sure if it was money well spent.
Thanksgiving has came and gone. It was great weather last weekend for it. I took some great pictures along the Thames River here in London, which will be showing up throughout some of the future blog postings.
The Phillies are in the World Series, wouldn't have thought that at the beginning of the year. The Rays and Red Sox play tonight for their chance at the big dance. The Rays have blown a 3-1 lead and tonight's game could be a classic. The defending champions with all the momentum against the young and probably nervous Rays. I don't like either team because they play in the same division as the Jays but would like to see the Rays win. It is about hope and the improbable, as their season has been.
It is a melancholy Sunday and I am nursing a hangover after a Stag and Doe party last night. It was a good night and today is a a perfect day for listening to Counting Crows. Actually every day is especially when you are reading through old pieces of writing because you don't want to write anything new.
"I walk with loneliness, mercy will follow me I'm told, beneath this skin there lies a heart of stone, it's growing old, so very far from home but a heart of gold, I may someday own...."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZQWUsV2YME
Mercy by Counting Crows (Original by Stevenson, Winningham and Boesel)
Below is one of those old pieces of writing. Everyone it seems is spoken for, in some way or another.
Spoken For
He can no longer hear the freight trains outside his window
The African wind chimes have also been silenced
His possessions are in cardboard boxes that are gathering dust
Soldiers are still dying because of the man in the oval office
His best friend is a stranger on the street
The woman he cares about will be leaving soon
She made him smile for months
Despite his inability to display his happiness
There is a strangeness about him, a sadness
Which he would like to explain but can not
The hurt has already broken him in half
So he offers the world his silence
In a feeble attempt to silence it
Opinions will be changed though
Reputations will be tainted though
He can not help these things
This has been a long time coming for him
Too long he lived in a world of dreams and denials
Loving the women but hating himself
Building up and then breaking down friendships
Actually thinking he could be a good friend
Realizing though that he is too selfish
Life has always been about him
His problems, his thoughts and his disappearances
If he thought you knew too much or got too close
He would punish you by isolating himself
A bastard of the worst kind
A coward of the worst kind
With feelings as fragile as a China doll
Who pretends to be kind but is only cruel
To those that could be his friends but mostly to himself
A loner who is sick of being alone
Knowing he can not go back
To the people that he has left behind
If that is even something he wants
He really does not know
There is too much damage
The wounds are freshly bandaged
He has always been a bleeder
More of his blood has stained his fingers than he would admit to
You can connect his scars much like the stars if you wanted to
Physical pain would be a relief to his internal torture
Still he knows that there is beauty
In so many things that one would not necessarily associate with beauty
The next time he sees a kite, he will smile
Wanting to run across a field to where it should land
Knowing it eventually has to come down
The way he knows that his silence
Will eventually have to be spoken for
He does not know the words to say
It is not like writing
It does not come natural
It is like loving or being a friend
He does not know
Where to begin or when to end.
06/28/07
"My friend assures me, it is all or nothing.............and this time when kindness falls like rain, it washes her away........."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nf2rApCO8A
Anna Begins by Counting Crows (September 5, 2008 in Dallas)
A few closing comments, the book I am currently reading is Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen, it is very good. I am also really enjoying Ray LaMontagne's new music from Gossip In The Grain.
All or nothing, doesn't have to be, all or nothing, it can be something.
jr.

"Moving out feel the wind in your hair, where the sun shines at night, I can take you there, to the the land of the midnight sun, Ragged Ass Road.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax1RI8rbyVQ
Ragged Ass Road by Tom Cochrane
Yellowknife, however, was different. Here, she felt that she'd stepped backwards into small-town life, especially in the unplanned old part of town where there was outdoor plumbing and the streets were unpaved and had names like Ragged Ass road.
From the book Late Nights On Air by Elizabeth Hay.
The weather has turned nearly perfect as we approach our Canadian Thanksgiving and our election. This country deserves everyone to have their say, the election turnout needs to be high, these are important times. Last election less than 65% of the people chose to have their say, hopefully this time it will be closer to 75% and we will be smart enough to not allow Harper a majority government.
I think they should reset the markets at zero and start new. Most of our financial systems are flawed in some form and need fixing. It would be nice if we could shut down the economy for a month or so and figure things out, too bad we can't and have to do it on the fly.
"Blue, blue windows behind the stars, yellow moon on the rise, big birds flying across the sky, throwing shadows on our eyes."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5KRVtjgMkM
Helpless sung by K.D. Lang
A pause, and then Eddy deigned to give a cold sober account of his movements. About a year ago, he said, leaning against the wall, he was driving around one day, aimless and bored, and he came to a fork in the road. He was in Montana at the time. The sign had two arrows, one pointed north, the other south. He could have gone either way. But the singer on the car radio was Neil Young, so he turned north, and then he decided he might as well follow the road until it ran out, which it finally did on the north shore of Great Slave Lake.
"Are you always so impulsive?" asked Dido, who by now had joined them.
"Try decisive," Eddy replied.
"So what was Neil Young singing?" she persisted with a faint smile.
Harry, through the pain in his heart, saw exactly what he was up against. Eddy had no sense of humour, and Dido, serious Dido, didn't care. European to the core, she'd fallen for the lean, sardonic, tight-lipped cowboy in jeans.
Eddy flipped through Harry's records - then dropped the needle directly onto the first note of "Helpless."
After that Dido stopped giving Eddy a hard time, she yielded her rights to tormenting him. And Harry, watching the play of feeling on her face, understood the power of a song to advance a man in a woman's heart. Songs, he thought, were the seven-league boots of romance.
Also from Late Nights On Air by Elizabeth Hay.
Below is another edition of the countdown, top 100 songs out of 1388. The featured clip is Alan Jackson's Small Town Southern Man, a song which will definitely move up from its current spot of 94.
Enjoy the last Canadian long weekend of the year. Above all be thankful you live in a country of peace and a country where your voice does matter, when it is added up with the voices of others who value what you value. No matter how strong or weak those voices are, they are the echoes of Canada like water on our shores and trees in our forests.
john.

Top 100 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows (1)
2. The One I Love by David Gray (2)
3. All The Trees Are Hers by Hawksley Workman (3)
4. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M. (4)
5. No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses (5)
6. When I Dream of Michelangelo by Counting Crows (6)
7. Always by Neverending White Lights (8)
8. You Are My Face by Wilco (7)
9. Empty by Ray LaMontagne (10)
10. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder (9)
11. Waiting by City and Colour
12. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
13. Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by C.C.R.
14. Wonderwall by Oasis
15. One by U2
16. Creep by Radiohead
17. Everything by Michael Buble
18. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
19. O Valencia by The Decemberists
20. A Long December by Counting Crows
21. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
22. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
23. Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World
24. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
25. Where The Streets Have No Name by U2
26. The Blues by Switchfoot
27. The Hardest Part by Coldplay
28. Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
29. Your Heart Is An Empty Room by Death Cab For Cutie
30. Blanket of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
31. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
32. Every Part of Me by Sam Roberts
33. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
34. Sing by Travis
35. Lemon Parade by Tonic
36. Off He Goes by Pearl Jam
37. My List by The Killers
38. Naked As We Came by Iron and Wine
39. Accidental Babies by Damien Rice
40. Catapult (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
41. Against The Wind by Bob Seger
42. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
43. When You Were Young by The Killers
44. Have You Ever Seen Me Lately (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
45. Cowboys by Counting Crows
46. Hard Candy by Counting Crows
47. Antichrist Television Blues by Arcade Fire
48. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
49. Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids
50. If You're Gonna Leave by Emerson Hart
51. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues by Jimmy Eat World
52. Girl In The War by Josh Ritter
53. The Bends by Radiohead
54. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
55. Gold In Them Hills by Ron Sexsmith with Chris Martin
56. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
57. Kite by U2
58. Sky Blue Sky by Wilco
59. These Girls by Ryan Adams
60. Only The Lonely by Roy Orbison
61. Alright by Pilot Speed
62. A Time To Be So Small by Interpol
63. Falling Slowly by The Frames
64. The Weight by The Band
65. 1492 by Counting Crows
66. Society by Eddie Vedder
67. NYC by Interpol
68. Tears and Rain by James Blunt
69. Bedshaped by Keane
70. You're Always Going Too Soon by Matthew Jay
71. The Grace by Neverending White Lights featuring Dallas Green
72. Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
73. Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco
74. The Con by Tegan and Sara
75. Hello Sunshine by Super Furry Animals
76. On Again, Off Again by Sean Lennon
77. Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
78. Barfly by Ray LaMontagne
79. Invincible by Muse
80. Mind Games by John Lennon
81. 1973 by James Blunt
82. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson
83. Love Hurts by Incubus
84. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
85. Your Song by Elton John
86. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists
87. Los Angeles by Counting Crows
88. Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper
89. Hotel Roosevelt by Augustana
90. Impossible Germany by Wilco
91. Anna Molly by Incubus
92. Miller's Angeles by Counting Crows
93. Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
94. Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUhaqUHGeQU
95. Let It Be by The Beatles
96. Some Surprise by The Cake Sale (Lisa Hannigan + Gary Lightbody)
97. Rain King (acoustic) by Counting Crows
98. Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie
99. Oceanside by The Decemberists
100. No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by The Guess Who

"The birds fly south. The summer sets. The lights go out. Leaves on the ground. Autumn walker, you just walked out...."

I can't find a video or audio clip to today's featured song, Autumn Walker by Jets To Brazil but you should really check it out. The band is no longer together and recorded 3 albums from 1998-2002.
It feels like a lazy Sunday today. I haven't been outside, but it looks rather windy, probably slightly cool and the sun comes out once in a while. I am not so patiently waiting for my online fantasy hockey draft at 3. The waiting is the hardest part, as Tom Petty wrote. It was nice to watch some regular season games yesterday, even if they were from Europe and looked like a boring International game. Fans of the Ottawa Senators should be worried, Martin Gerber looked horrible in net and I think it is only a matter of time before Alex Auld is the number one goalie. That is a scary thought as well. They can't be as bad as the Leafs though. Too bad.
I had a visit and dinner with my grandparents yesterday. The very peaceful summer backyard has started to turn into a scattering collection of autumn signs. My grandfather was pulling out green cherry tomatoes that will never make it to red. Everything just seemed like it was less vibrant but still sort of peaceful like it was supposed to be this way. The seasons have always changed and hopefully always will, there is something moving about standing among so much change.
There is a weirdness today, I just mentioned The Waiting by Tom Petty and it is now playing on my iTunes. Earlier today when I was writing the poem which will be below, I wrote, a spot in the clearing and The Clearing by Matthew Jay was the next song on. I know it is all random but at times I wonder. Maybe love is the same way. I should really change my opinion on this but I don't think I am quite ready yet.
I don't know why, but I had never watched Catch Me If You Can with Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio. I would think considering it has been out at least 5 years I should have seen it but no. Well I watched it last night and it was interesting, considering it is based on a real story. It was long though almost 2 and half hours. My lack of attention span needed to pause it a couple of times. Once for what turned into 4 hours of sleep. Sleep, all I need and think about. Okay, it isn't that bad, but it is close. Back to work tonight, lovely. There is a link to information about the movie below.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264464/
I hadn't wrote anything in 9 days and the result below probably shows it. I literally froze this morning when I sat down to write. All I could do was stare out the front window and watch the trees moving in the wind. Sometimes I feel like never writing again but after a few days I feel guilty. It is like something I force myself to do, I am not even sure if I like doing. All the poems seem like they say the same thing. Reused images and observations. Then a certain line or image sticks in my head and makes me think it is completely original but most likely isn't. Everything has probably been said better and long before I thought it. If I even thought it, it could just be a reflection of another person's thought. Complicated. Most likely not. Just me, complicating things. At times I think I could live in a house in the middle of the forest and not really miss anyone. Though I know I would eventually but it seems like it would be the perfect place for me to grow old. It is better than trying to hide among the living.
Obvious Imperfections
The October trees are waving goodbye
A long, colourful but ultimately sad occasion
Their leaves will fall, scatter and decompose
Giving nutrients and food to the soil below
A process ensuring the survival of the forest
I weave through mine guided by slices of light
The golden dust sparkling like a girl’s eyes
Though they never do for me but it is alright
I am too old now despite still appearing young
First impressions are all people really care about
Our stories should be short like a matinee movie
Complete with Hollywood’s version of beautiful
The clothes designer, Indie cool or filthy rich
Everything else can be fake as long as it works
Perfect breasts, lips, clear skin and orange tans
Sickening images given the cost of their undertaking
What are we without our flaws is a pointless question
I ask anyway because of my obvious imperfections
Hoping to find someone special who does not care
Whether my story takes time to become beautiful
Believing it will eventually be worthy of her own
My own faith is not strong and never has been
The self image work continues for good or bad
I know there are moments of progress and retreat
Square one is miles in the past but can be seen
The sight scares me and keeps me moving deeper
Where the light is not as plentiful but still golden
After it filters down through the waving trees
I have not given up on finding a spot of clearing
Being lost is only a state of mind and it can pass
My loneliness can never be cured but only dealt with
The way many other things are looked after daily
Romance is more than a pair of girl’s sparkling eyes
No matter how golden they appear reflecting in glass
Their vision is elsewhere and my heart is nowhere near
Much like it has always been on Sundays in October.
10/05/08
Sundays in October will certainly become Sundays in November and so on. Time goes on, as it always has, only our impression of it changes.
jr.

"I need your grace to remind me, to find my own..."

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=wbLkdXNLk2o
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Grace can be found in the elegance and beauty of form, manner, motion or action. This means it can be found in each and everyone one of us. Some of us are by genetics more graceful than others but somewhere a form of grace hides in all of us. The problem is finding it and believing in its presence. Perhaps it is easier having someone to remind us of it through theirs. On the other hand perhaps it easier to forget everything we have been told before we are too old to see life bursting out of a garden.
I was freezing this morning when I woke up. The overnight temperature of 4 is a little too low for this early in October. The weather has been a constant rain and overcast for the past couple of days. I remember going to work in the rain, coming home in the rain, going to work in the rain and coming home again in the rain. Working midnights there is no separation of one day from another, they all seem like one continuous day. This is until the weekend arrives and your body becomes vaguely confused. You are in bed in the afternoon for a few hours, falling asleep when you should be working and waking when you should be sleeping.
At work in the bathroom, there is a single stall and a single urinal. The urinal has a manual flush and it seems 50% of the time people fail to use this simple device. It is disgusting, I don't want to see or smell another person's urine. But inevitably I do because as I previously wrote, a certain percentage of the people are disgusting. Though this doesn't surprise me.
The following passages are from one of the books I am reading called The Piano Man's Daughter by Timothy Findley.
"We don't choose our lives, Liam believed, our lives choose us, and we must hold the choices of others at bay, lest our lives lose sight of us. That was his definition of single-mindedness, not of choosing, but of being chosen."
"If you can be reconciled to the flesh you are given and the days unfolding with their unique demands of you, then you can have a life as full as anyone's, no matter where or who you are."
Fireflies In The Garden by Robert Frost
Here come real stars to fill the upper skies,
And here on earth come emulating flies,
That though they never equal stars in size,
(And they were never really stars at heart)
Achieve at times a very star-like start.
Only, of course, they can't sustain the part.
The Robert Frost poem above is the inspiration and title of a pretty good movie I watched between the hours of 1 and 3 this morning, see what I mean about my body's confusion. The movie has a great cast led by Willem Dafoe and Ryan Reynolds, with Julia Roberts providing her usual stabilizing force in a minor role. The story is of a family, everything that is beneath the surface struggling to stay there or be freed in the light. The movie moves rather gracefully through the past and present, shaping the future leading up to a tragic event. There is more information and probably a better description of the movie below.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0961108/
Enjoy the first Saturday of October and its dying gardens.
jr.

"Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere, underneath my being is a road that disappeared, late at night I hear the trees, they're singing......."

The weather is certainly feeling and looking like today's date, the first of October. Summer is gone, autumn and October baseball are here. There is nothing as special as an early October afternoon baseball game.
Last Friday Paul Newman passed away and as expected there were hundreds of tributes. Many of them were good but as usual David Letterman rose to the occasion and provided one of the better ones. The clip is below, the last movie I remember watching Newman in was the Road To Perdition with Tom Hanks, it is a good movie, if you haven't seen it.
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=zbBMrz1DmXc
All I think about is sleep, all I need is sleep and all I try to do is sleep. I suppose I still haven't adjusted to working midnights again. Even writing a blog entry seems like it would be time better used sleeping.
The countdown is below, a day late, the top 100 out of 1385. This week's featured song is Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder.
Hope October turns the colour of the dreams.
jr.

Top 100 Songs Played This Year On My iTunes Player
1. You Can't Count On Me by Counting Crows (5)
2. The One I Love by David Gray (2)
3. All The Trees Are Hers by Hawksley Workman (1)
4. Supernatural Superserious by R.E.M. (3)
5. No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses (7)
6. When I Dream of Michelangelo by Counting Crows (4)
7. You Are My Face by Wilco (6)
8. Always by Neverending White Lights (10)
9. Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder (11)
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=O3SxCph5I1Q
10. Empty by Ray LaMontagne (8)
11. Boy With A Coin by Iron and Wine
12. Waiting by City and Colour
13. Have You Ever Seen The Rain? by C.C.R.
14. A Long December by Counting Crows
15. Everything by Michael Buble
16. Wonderwall by Oasis
17. One by U2
18. Creep by Radiohead
19. Calling All Friends by Low Stars
20. Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World
21. Say It To Me Now by Glen Hansard
22. Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
23. Hard Sun by Eddie Vedder
24. O Valencia by The Decemberists
25. Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles
26. The Hardest Part by Coldplay
27. Your Heart Is An Empty by Death Cab For Cutie
28. Blanket of Ghosts by Dustin Kensrue
29. Thinking About You by Norah Jones
30. The Blues by Switchfoot
31. Tupelo Honey by Van Morrison
32. Sing by Travis
33. Lemon Parade by Tonic
34. Every Part of Me by Sam Roberts
35. Off He Goes by Pearl Jam
36. Accidental Babies by Damien Rice
37. Have You Seen Me Lately? (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
38. Cowboys by Counting Crows
39. Southern Girl by Amos Lee
40. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
41. Against The Wind by Bob Seger
42. Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids
43. Hard Candy by Counting Crows
44. Gotta Be Somebody's Blues by Jimmy Eat World
45. Girl In The War by Josh Ritter
46. My List by The Killers
47. The Bends by Radiohead
48. Gold In Them Hills by Ron Sexsmith with Chris Martin
49. These Girls by Ryan Adams
50. Sky Blue Sky by Wilco
51. Catapult (Acoustic) by Counting Crows
52. Kite by U2
53. Everybody Knows by Ryan Adams
54. Hannah by Ray LaMontagne
55. When You Were Young by The Killers
56. A Time To Be So Small by Interpol
57. If You're Gonna Leave by Emerson Hart
58. Antichrist Television Blues by Arcade Fire
59. The Weight by The Band
60. Society by Eddie Vedder
61. Faling Slowly by The Frames
62. NYC by Interpol
63. Naked As We Came by Iron and Wine
64. Tears and Rain by James Blunt
65. Bedshaped by Keane
66. You're Always Going Too Soon by Matthew Jay
67. Alright by Pilot Speed
68. Only The Lonely by Roy Orbison
69. Please Be Patient With Me by Wilco
70. Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
71. Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
72. Barfly by Ray LaMontagne
73. The Grace by Neverending White Lights with Dallas Green
74. Invincible by Muse
75. 1973 by James Blunt
76. If I Had Eyes by Jack Johnson
77. Love Hurts by Incubus
78. Your Song by Elton John
79. The Crane Wife 3 by The Decemberists
80. 1492 by Counting Crows
81. Anna Molly by Incubus
82. Miller's Angels by Counting Crows
83. Diamonds on The Inside by Ben Harper
84. Some Surprise by The Cake Sale (Lisa Hannigan + Gary Lightbody)
85. Mr. Jones by Counting Crows
86. Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie
87. Oceanside by The Decemberists
88. Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
89. No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature by The Guess Who
90. Breakdown by Jack Johnson
91. Mind Games by John Lennon
92. The Great Escape by Patrick Watson
93. On Again, Off Again by Sean Lennon
94. Telling Them by Starsailor
95. Hello Sunshine by Super Furry Animals
96. The Con by Tegan and Sara
97. Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
98. Josphine by The Wallflowers
99. Impossible Germany by Wilco
100. Los Angeles by Counting Crows