As You Were

2011. The end of 2010 was a self promise of change which was naturally broken early in 2011. The winter has hibernated my heart, dried and broken my skin. The blood says that I am living but many things have died inside me. Passion has been replaced by boredom, indifference and self hatred. But still the days must be lived and the stories must be told.
"The previous morning, he had lain for a while on the beach listening to the chain of small metallic noises coming from the hen on the window ledge above him. In that moment, he understood that what you do does not necessarily define you. You can choose to say, Yes, I do this. But I am separate from it. You can give them callow gesture, because that's what they're worth, and you can be as you were. As you were - it's a military expression." Curiosity (A Love Story) by Joan Thomas.
I used to be overly kind, and perhaps people remarked about this aspect of my personality compared to their indifference to my presence and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I wonder about other people's kindness. Where does it come from and why has it not been exhausted, especially as it relates to me.
I read when my attention span is relatively long compared to its relative shortness. Relative. Relative to what. Anyway, I finished 60 books last year and they are listed below with a score out of 5. I am a generous scorer, since I find it impossible to see anything from start to finish, anyone who can write a story, start to finish, has accomplished something. I guess the only thing I can be guaranteed seeing from start to finish is my life, though the start is a mystery as I suppose the end will be.
Chronological order, most recently finished last year.
60. The Yiddish Policemen's Union-Michael Cabon (2)
59. Plainsong-Kent Haruf (3)
58. A Long Way Down-Nick Hornby (3)
57. The Unnamed-Joshua Ferris (3)
56. The Autograph Man-Zadie Smith (3)
55. Slam-Nick Hornby (3)
54. Exit Ghost-Philip Roth (2.5)
53. The Retreat-David Bergen (2.5)
52. The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green-Joshua Braff (3.5)
51. Last Words-George Carlin (4)
50. A Gate at the Stairs-Lorrie Moore (3)
49. Juliet, Naked-Nick Hornby (4)
48. In the Skin of a Lion-Michael Ondaatje (3)
47. Sixpence House (Lost in a Town of Books)-Paul Collins (3)
46. The Boys in the Trees-Mary Swan (3.5)
45. Stories From the Vinyl Cafe-Staurt McLean (3)
44. Garbo Laughs-Elizabeth Hay (4)
43. The Night Watch-Sarah Waters (3)
42. A Long Way Gone (Memories of a Boy Soldier)-Ishmael Beah (4.5)
41. Elizabeth and After-Matt Cohen (3)
40. My Years as Prime Minister-Jean Chretien (3.5)
39. Angela's Ashes-Frank McCourt (4)
38. How To Be Good-Nick Hornby (3.5)
37. Lush Life-Richard Price (3)
36. Half Broke Horses-Jeannette Walls (3.5)
35. Before I Wake-Robert J. Wiersema (3)
34. De Niro's Game-Rawi Hage (3.5)
33. Black Money-Ross MacDonald (3)
32. Then We Came To The End-Joshua Ferris (4)
31. Brief Encounters With Che Guevara (Stories)-Ben Fountain (3)
30. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon)-Crystal Zevon (4.5)
29. The Anthologist-Nicholson Baker (2.5)
28. The Factory Voice-Jeanette Lynes (4)
27. Love and Summer-William Trevor (2.5)
26. Chronic City-Jonathan Lethem (3)
25. Amsterdam-Ian McEwan (3)
24. Going Rogue (An American Life)-Sarah Palin (3)
23. Open (An Autobiography)-Andre Agassi (4.5)
22. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay-Michael Cabon (4.5)
21. Oryx and Crake-Margaret Atwood (3)
20. Netherland-Joseph O'Neill (3)
19. The Incident Report-Martha Baillie (3)
18. Summertime-J.M. Coetzee (3)
17. Both Ways Is The Only Way I Want It (Stories)-Maile Meloy (3)
16. The Favourite Game-Leonard Cohen (4)
15. My life Outside The Ring-Hulk Hogan (3.5)
14. The Color of Lightning-Paulette Jiles (3.5)
13. Youth-J.M. Coetzee (3)
12. What The Dog Saw (And Other Adventures)-Malcolm Gladwell (3.5)
11. The Winter Vault-Anne Michaels (5)
10. My Prison, My Home (One Woman's Story of Captivity In Iran)-Haleh Esfandiari (5)
9. The Song Is You-Arthur Phillips (5)
8. Exit Lines-Joan Barfoot (2.5)
7. Boyhood-J.M. Coetzee (2.5)
6. Lark + Termite-Jayne Anne Phillips (4.5)
5. American On Purpose (The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot)-Craig Ferguson (3.5)
4. Balzac and The Little Chinese Seamstress-Dai Sijie (3)
3. Generosity (An Enhancement)-Richard Powers (3)
2. The White Tiger-Aravind Adiga (3)
1. The Disappeared-Kim Echlin (3.5)

There you have it. The ratings are more a reflection of a books ability to engage me and to keep me interested, which is why true stories, memoirs and such score higher.
I haven't finished anything yet this year. My attention is on almost nothing. Below was the song I listened to the most last year.
New York City Is Killing by Ray LaMontagne