A song walking us through the seasons of nature and the lessons of our losses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGPzyGIaw0E
Passing Afternoon by Iron and Wine
I suppose Tuesday's are becoming my blog writing days, or simply just a way to pass some of the afternoon. Yesterday it rained like it is supposed to on Mondays and in April. Today the clouds are prominent but the rain has ceased for the time being. A strong breeze chills despite the sun's efforts to warm. A pair of small birds, I wish I knew the name of, maybe sparrows, are dancing about on a table outside. The music of their soul, I can't hear but the music of their voice momentarily distracts me. But now they have flown off and I am left to my thoughts, as I usually am.
We make decisions as adults, unimaginable to those we would have made as children. For as children there seemed to be reasons, big or small, for each decision. Not playing with certain other children usually occurred because they were mean, older or younger. We had our group of friends and disagreements were common but hardly complex. But as we grow up and create our complexities, relationships become hard to sustain. There are endless number of people who have not spoken to family members, friends and former lovers for years. The reasons in the end are not as complex as they seem in the present but in the present they are reasons enough. So we drift, fade and disappear appropriately. This is human nature for some of us, and for others it is foreign and inhuman. Finding fault for anything is also human nature but maybe fault is not always needed. One person might expect and want things to remain the same, whereas the other person does not feel the same. Personally I am more than a little lost lately but it has mostly been this way for a long time. There are times when I can feel everything and there are times when I feel nothing. I used to use the kindness inside of me and now I do not want to. I am an entirely selfish person but I do so only for the protection of myself. I fear, expect and I am paranoid of a personal destruction. This does not make me any less selfish but I do not use my selfishness to manipulate others for personal gain, like some people do. The people who when you do offer your kindness, fail to return it when they could have very easily the next day. Instead money is exchanged out of friendship and time passes, many endless numbered days and the matter lingers but is not resolved. There are countless examples of people who have been used and we all use each other in some form. I am far from morally good but refuse to form personal connections anymore. This also might seem inhuman and unusual but might not really be either of them. I fail at friendships and maintaining them, becoming a terrible gardener is not hard because neglect is easily done. I am sure if I should grow old, I will regret but I already regret more than I could have possibly imagined as a child. People will leave you alone, if you give them enough reasons and being alone is what I know best. The only person you have to lie to is yourself, and doing so becomes so easy, it is like there is only truth. There might be uneven blame to spread but before any of us begin we have already lost.
The other day I watched the movie Snow Angels with its emotionally troubled characters and dysfunctional situations. I thought it was a good enough movie to watch and there is information about it below. I often come to movies randomly because they appear and linger on demand, and finally out of boredom I watch them. There is a perfect example in this movie of a man who's life has spiralled completely out of control and aided by alcohol he is unable to deal with his losses and rejections.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0453548/
As I often do, I search Youtube for the latest Counting Crows videos. Today I came across a pair of vintage concert clips from 1994, Perfect Blue Buildings and Round Here, it is hard to believe those songs have been with me for 15 years now and will remain should I grow old. They are below along with some other selections.
Perfect Blue Buildings (15/04/1994 Germany)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdd_jaGm6_c
Round Here (15/04/1994 Germany)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcs9l1dGMJ0
St. Robinson in his Cadillac Dream (2007)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHZ9CecKY_o
Have You Seen Me Lately? (Woodstock 1999)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv3Bdh9jNRk
Washington Square (27/03/2009 Australia)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8GSHg_aybk
Miami (Telluride Festival 2007)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqnSsxq-KP8
Today I finished reading The In-Between World of Vikram Lall by M.G. Vassanji, which I enjoyed and have returned to East of Eden by Steinbeck. I think I need to read more of the classic books.
It seems I only write a couple of pieces a week now and the last two since my last blog are below.
I don't have much of an explanation as to what they are about, I don't put much care into their crafting and often get bored in the middle of them. I am sure the results prove this.
A Cardboard Novelty Cheque
The Wednesday afternoon has clouded over
Spring birds accompany the Decemberists
I have placed the Flying Troutman's down
A feeling inside of me remains unexplained
There are never enough answers left for me
Each question leads to another and another
I spend too much time walking in triangles
This is a tad easier than spinning in circles
Everything is relative in a life of confusion
Similar shapes, sizes, colours and textures
Appear everywhere in nature and society
Distinguishing them has become difficult
I do not observe what used to be simple
Complicating anything with insecurities
A man paranoid of being seen as a failure
Self disappointment hurls itself in mirrors
The reflection is one of infinite gloominess
Late November and early December days
I am void like a cardboard novelty cheque
One written as a joke and out of kindness
There are not enough zero's to desire me
Beauty is only a memory of women gone
Unique bodies unwrapped from clothes
Minds drunk on pleasure and anticipation
A climax spilling across limbs and sheets
Exhausted bodies needing breezes of air
I would like a window to see the world
Nothing of Hollywood but real images
Those which seem very foreign to me
Nairobi, Moab and the Salinas Valley
Places of my books and distractions
I am forever trying to remain present.
15/04/09
The Scary Paranoia
A probable picture of emptiness
I silently stare out the windows
April rain has fallen all day long
The way it always does in spring
Necessary nourishment for growth
I ponder my own maturing process
The transformation from boy to man
A methodical move out of happiness
Withdrawing behind closed curtains
Limited by introspective revelations
I should have learned to free myself
Instead a deep trap is barricading me
The scary paranoia of living or dying
Factually being alive means nothing
When you are not participating in life
I have been going through the motions
Most of my time spent as a grown up
Feeling everything and nothing at all
Absorbing people or absconding them
Every love has become mute or distant
Imagining beauty is no longer possible
I lack words to describe faces or eyes
They are full of hope so foreign to me
Cape Town on the tip of the Atlantic
A wavy blueness before Africa's red
April rain is still falling and feeding
I remain absolutely silent like always
There has to be a way to understand
What really scares me about myself
Potential being reached and exceeded
Or a destructive desire for self failure.
20/04/09
Well enough time has passed and enough words have been written. The evening is approaching and the rain is supposed to follow. Much like eyes across the page of a novel.
john.
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