As You Were

2011. The end of 2010 was a self promise of change which was naturally broken early in 2011. The winter has hibernated my heart, dried and broken my skin. The blood says that I am living but many things have died inside me. Passion has been replaced by boredom, indifference and self hatred. But still the days must be lived and the stories must be told.
"The previous morning, he had lain for a while on the beach listening to the chain of small metallic noises coming from the hen on the window ledge above him. In that moment, he understood that what you do does not necessarily define you. You can choose to say, Yes, I do this. But I am separate from it. You can give them callow gesture, because that's what they're worth, and you can be as you were. As you were - it's a military expression." Curiosity (A Love Story) by Joan Thomas.
I used to be overly kind, and perhaps people remarked about this aspect of my personality compared to their indifference to my presence and now that the shoe is on the other foot, I wonder about other people's kindness. Where does it come from and why has it not been exhausted, especially as it relates to me.
I read when my attention span is relatively long compared to its relative shortness. Relative. Relative to what. Anyway, I finished 60 books last year and they are listed below with a score out of 5. I am a generous scorer, since I find it impossible to see anything from start to finish, anyone who can write a story, start to finish, has accomplished something. I guess the only thing I can be guaranteed seeing from start to finish is my life, though the start is a mystery as I suppose the end will be.
Chronological order, most recently finished last year.
60. The Yiddish Policemen's Union-Michael Cabon (2)
59. Plainsong-Kent Haruf (3)
58. A Long Way Down-Nick Hornby (3)
57. The Unnamed-Joshua Ferris (3)
56. The Autograph Man-Zadie Smith (3)
55. Slam-Nick Hornby (3)
54. Exit Ghost-Philip Roth (2.5)
53. The Retreat-David Bergen (2.5)
52. The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green-Joshua Braff (3.5)
51. Last Words-George Carlin (4)
50. A Gate at the Stairs-Lorrie Moore (3)
49. Juliet, Naked-Nick Hornby (4)
48. In the Skin of a Lion-Michael Ondaatje (3)
47. Sixpence House (Lost in a Town of Books)-Paul Collins (3)
46. The Boys in the Trees-Mary Swan (3.5)
45. Stories From the Vinyl Cafe-Staurt McLean (3)
44. Garbo Laughs-Elizabeth Hay (4)
43. The Night Watch-Sarah Waters (3)
42. A Long Way Gone (Memories of a Boy Soldier)-Ishmael Beah (4.5)
41. Elizabeth and After-Matt Cohen (3)
40. My Years as Prime Minister-Jean Chretien (3.5)
39. Angela's Ashes-Frank McCourt (4)
38. How To Be Good-Nick Hornby (3.5)
37. Lush Life-Richard Price (3)
36. Half Broke Horses-Jeannette Walls (3.5)
35. Before I Wake-Robert J. Wiersema (3)
34. De Niro's Game-Rawi Hage (3.5)
33. Black Money-Ross MacDonald (3)
32. Then We Came To The End-Joshua Ferris (4)
31. Brief Encounters With Che Guevara (Stories)-Ben Fountain (3)
30. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead (The Dirty Life and Times of Warren Zevon)-Crystal Zevon (4.5)
29. The Anthologist-Nicholson Baker (2.5)
28. The Factory Voice-Jeanette Lynes (4)
27. Love and Summer-William Trevor (2.5)
26. Chronic City-Jonathan Lethem (3)
25. Amsterdam-Ian McEwan (3)
24. Going Rogue (An American Life)-Sarah Palin (3)
23. Open (An Autobiography)-Andre Agassi (4.5)
22. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay-Michael Cabon (4.5)
21. Oryx and Crake-Margaret Atwood (3)
20. Netherland-Joseph O'Neill (3)
19. The Incident Report-Martha Baillie (3)
18. Summertime-J.M. Coetzee (3)
17. Both Ways Is The Only Way I Want It (Stories)-Maile Meloy (3)
16. The Favourite Game-Leonard Cohen (4)
15. My life Outside The Ring-Hulk Hogan (3.5)
14. The Color of Lightning-Paulette Jiles (3.5)
13. Youth-J.M. Coetzee (3)
12. What The Dog Saw (And Other Adventures)-Malcolm Gladwell (3.5)
11. The Winter Vault-Anne Michaels (5)
10. My Prison, My Home (One Woman's Story of Captivity In Iran)-Haleh Esfandiari (5)
9. The Song Is You-Arthur Phillips (5)
8. Exit Lines-Joan Barfoot (2.5)
7. Boyhood-J.M. Coetzee (2.5)
6. Lark + Termite-Jayne Anne Phillips (4.5)
5. American On Purpose (The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot)-Craig Ferguson (3.5)
4. Balzac and The Little Chinese Seamstress-Dai Sijie (3)
3. Generosity (An Enhancement)-Richard Powers (3)
2. The White Tiger-Aravind Adiga (3)
1. The Disappeared-Kim Echlin (3.5)

There you have it. The ratings are more a reflection of a books ability to engage me and to keep me interested, which is why true stories, memoirs and such score higher.
I haven't finished anything yet this year. My attention is on almost nothing. Below was the song I listened to the most last year.
New York City Is Killing by Ray LaMontagne

My Summer Memory

"In a world that lives increasing in the moment, it's important to remember where we've come from, or we may wake up one morning unable to remember who we are." The Road to McCarthy by Pete McCarthy.
My Summer Memory
A mist has consumed the August night
The wetness is welcomed on my fingers
I am reminded of a young summer girl
Who could never stay dry in the heat
Water would drip from her like roofs
I swallowed gulps and stayed thirsty
She spread anywhere and gave anything
I could ever want and greediness won
Countless days were tossed blankets
Their need meant for winter's hours
Longer and lonelier than imaginable
Tolerable only with novels and music
East of Eden, August and Rubber Soul
Those days before Internet and iPod's
These days I am my own Nowhere Man
With my websites, music and novels
Juliet is naked and I'm reading her
But your body is my summer memory
I came on it too much to value it
Now it is beautifully bittersweet
When I think about its evolution
Because knowing is not possible.
August 25, 2010
jr.

The Stories of our Youth

"And all the lives we ever lived and all the lives to be
Are full of trees and changing leaves..."
Charles Isaac Elton
The Stories of our Youth
The moon rises before the sun expires
The summer forgets before the autumn colours
A love hides and a song plays
Through the credits of a movie
Disappearing like the stories of our youth
I stand in the soft rain
Waiting for August to fold
September fell once but stands now
How we remember is up to us
I have not forgotten you
Being in love is not an option
The shadows of vows are dark
The smiles of children are white
Digging through sandboxes for treasure
Finding a bone or a piece of China
I will be silver before being old
There will be a sliver of life left
When I close my eyes on winter
Reflecting off the abandoned lake
Frozen with its misplaced mittens
All the stories of our youth
They are written when we are old
Barely able to paint a face
Especially those we loved fully
I complete another jigsaw puzzle
My mind is full of corn mazes
The fields are being ploughed
The animals are being slaughtered
You took something from me
Replacing it has been hard
I cannot figure out this void
A black hole without a muse
Is just another empty space
My heart aches like a bone
It also beats like an organ
Pumping me full of life
I guess the story goes on.
August 21, 2010
john.

Go Here

http://anotherhorsedreamersblues.blogspot.com/

"I wish that I was anesthetized and sterilized, and then we wouldn't have this evidence congealing......"

This summer has been the wettest I can remember. I do not mind the rain much but would rather sit outside on my balcony reading than be inside. I really need to purchase a few new books because my unread selection is lacking. If I had a couple of grand to drop on books, I would buy everyone on my list and disappear inside them.
Today we didn't get more than a few drops of rain but the humidity is annoying. I suppose in a perfect world it would be 22 or 23 Celsius each day with a little breeze and lots of sun. I have never lived in a perfect world, you might or might have.
I will be happy when the baseball trade deadline passes Friday, all the speculation is getting to be a bit much. I guess because around here it greatly involves a classless bum like J.P. Riccardi and a classy pitcher like Roy Halladay. He should trade him from a baseball business decision but he should never have been allowed to get to this point with this team. Ground Zero is the only hope for the Blue Jays, rebuild and see what happens in 4 or 5 years without Riccardi and Halladay.
I really need to start watching some good movies again, it has been so long. I tend to stay in bubbles longer than necessary, very little gets in and very little gets out.
I wrote the following last night.
Sliver
The night is not for writing
Earth’s moon is but a sliver
Replicate of my confidence
The night is for considering
Tossing and turning in bed
Kept up by Earth’s oceans
The morning is for sleeping
Waking only opens wounds
Earth’s sun is but a mirror
No longer reflecting smiles
I have almost disappeared
Without needing to return
All the dusty books boxed
Fingerprints left on covers
Earth’s satellites spinning
Showing us how far away
We are from anyone else
Dots on various horizons
Spread across landscapes
Drawn, imaged or natural
All the good dreams lost
Heartbreaks left on souls
Earth’s dwellers weeping
The night is not for loving
Nothing but a sliver lasts.
28 July 2009
Below is another 10 set of Counting Crows related live performances, especially of note this time is the poignant and rarely played Carriage aided by Jim Bogios father Chris on trumpet, very moving.

Angels of the Silences
Rotterdam, Netherlands
May 4, 2009

Cowboys
Rotterdam, Netherlands
May 4, 2009

Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes To Hollywood)
Rotterdam, Netherlands
May 4, 2009

Carriage
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009

Mercury
Adelaide, Australia
March 26, 2009

Mr. Jones
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009

Cecilia with Augustana
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009

Washington Square with Dan Layus of Augustana
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009

Miami
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009
(Pay particular attention to the drunken fan who makes it up on stage during the song and also notice how it does not faze Adam at all)

This Land is Your Land with Augustana and company.
Berkeley, California
July 26, 2009
And so another night fades and the moon is yours, should you need it to illuminate something precious in this life.
jr.

Beneath the sun in the summer, a sea of flowers won`t bloom without the rain....

Below is my favourite song of the moment.

Never Forget You by The Noisettes
I wish it was autumn already, the weather this summer has been crummy and at least if it was autumn we would have the colours.
Accepting and letting go of things out of our control is never easy but once we learn how to it makes living slightly easier. The end of anything does not always have to be sad, it can simply be just a phase in our lives. People come and people go, we leave or we stay, it is all rather random.
I wrote the following earlier this afternoon after being forced inside out of the rain. Though I think I had already had enough of a reading a book written by George W. Bush, even if it was written before his presidency. I can only stomach so much of his politics and false modesty.
The Lost Child of Aquarius
I do not live in a fishbowl
You cannot see me drown
There is privacy to protect
You will not hear from me
The lost child of Aquarius
I will carry water to shore
But no more tears for you
Our past should be burned
The smoke suffocating us
I will choke but never die
Breathing alone is simpler
You horded too much air
Oxygen should be shared
Selfishly you never could
Summer is still maturing
I wonder about your life
Without mirrors and sex
Can whores save beauty
For when youth vanishes
The way mine has lately
Without warning or time
A deadly foe like cancer
Black spots on a screen
I wonder about my life
Old friendships leaving
Their relevance passed
Everything runs a course
I would rather walk alone
Before accepting invites
My soul needs its peace
There are old bad habits
Which should be broken.
24 July 2009
Below is another random live set of Counting Crows related clips.

Blues Run The Game
October 2008
New Jersey

Fire
Augustana with Adam Duritz
July 22, 2009
Temecula, California

High Life
July 2009
Somewhere out in America

Goodnight Elizabeth
July 22, 2009
Temecula, California

Miami (acoustic, a song for Amelia)
July 2009
Somewhere out in America

Why Should You Come When I Call
CC with Michael Franti, Spearhead, Augustana and more.
July 21, 2009
Greek Theatre Los Angeles, California

Time and Time Again (for Isaac Hayes)
August 12, 2008
Saratoga, New York

Black and Blue
June 29, 2009
Columbus, Ohio

Angel From Montgomery
CC with Emmy Rossum and Augustana
July 22, 2009
Temecula, California

This Land is Your Land
CC with Michael Franti, Spearhead, Augustana and more.
July 21, 2009
Greek Theatre Los Angeles, California
The intense summer storm of this afternoon is a memory of thunder cracking, rain pelting, hydro flickering and clocks flashing.
john edward charles....

Nobody here gets a word that I say and the problems I`m told, are more than medical.......

The Major League Baseball All-Star game was last night and it was actually a rather interesting game. I was going to write enjoyable but my favourite player Roy Halladay got hit hard after getting 5 straight outs before giving up 3 runs. He also had to bat and did not even have his own helmet. As much as he is my favourite player, the Jays need to trade him to get better for the future and he needs to go to a team with a General Manager who knows what he is doing. By the way, the American League won 4-3, and the National League now has not won since 1996.
Below is another 10 set of Counting Crows live performances, the version of a Long December is the best I have heard in years.

When I Dream of Michelangelo
From Sunday Mornings
July 2009 Somewhere out in America

Perfect Blue Buildings
From August and Everything After
August 8, 2007 Tulsa, Oklahoma

Recovering The Satellites
From Recovering The Satellites
May 8, 2009 Dublin, Ireland

New Frontier
From Hard Candy
July 9, 2009 Sarnia, Canada

Hard Candy
From Hard Candy
Summer 2007 Somewhere out in America

Rain King with Augustana
From August and Everything After
September 21, 2008 Seattle, Washington

Daylight Fading
From Recovering The Satellites
May 13, 2009 Birmingham, England

Mr. Jones
From August and Everything After
March 21, 2008 Good Morning America NYC

Miami
From Hard Candy
May 8, 2009 Dublin, Ireland

A Long December
From Recovering The Satellites
August 19, 2008 Toronto, Canada
I wrote the following this afternoon.
Summer is the Currency of the Blowing Breeze
Wrapped up toilet tissues hide our discretions
Polyurethane protecting us from our creations
The barrier between being needy and greedy
A thin walled membrane separating our cells
Defining male and female from boy and girl
The summer children play but eventually age
Their memories are defined by happy or sad
Rarely is a child indifferent like most adults
I am a hoarder of lyrics to my personal songs
A soundtrack for defining moods and seasons
Summer is the currency of the blowing breeze
You might forget but the writer in me cannot
Inspiration visits less frequently than before
I barely recognize myself in the cloudy sky
When the poems are read back to me today
Could a person only script the future to fail
Every potential love dies like vases of roses
Their petals more beautiful as they crumble
Destroying is my answer to others creating
I am a nuance to myself and find it pleasing
This has to be the reason for being faraway
Closeness is like a mirror and they scourge
Emotionally harmful more than physically
The body heals under the sun of a July day
Everything appearing normal on the shore
Under the waves the ocean trembles softly
I walk through the sand leaving footprints
Until the water washes my presence away
The moon is a better friend than the sun
Shadows are more interesting than light
The mind is the mystery worth resolving
Loving will always remain harder for me
Because too much thought has occurred.
15 July 2009
Monday night David Letterman had on a guy who does baseball stances, I found it rather funny.

And last night great music.

You and I Wilco with Feist
Another plane crash today, this time in Iran, it seems it is not safe flying foreign carriers.
Probably just an anomaly.
It has just started to rain here in southern Ontario.
If you are somewhere out in America, check out the circus.
http://www.travelingcircusshow.com/
john.